An Ounce of Prevention: "20 Signs Your Relationship Is Going Nowhere Fast (Sorry)"

So...

As I was pulling up some info for an "On Fire" sistah, I "happened upon" (Proverbs 16:33-AMP) on an article from iVillage entitled "20 Signs Your Relationship Is Going Nowhere Fast (Sorry)" and while *of course*, the fornication point doesn't apply, *a lot* of the rest of these are *stellar*.

For some, I'm just going to list the initial point (click here to read the article in its entirety) but some of them that really caught my attention, I will add some of the sentences that the author used to support the final resolve or my own points. Heed warning signs. They're there for a reason. And a purpose:

1) You never talk about the future: It’s great to live in the moment, but if you don’t make plans for what's next, your relationship could end up being short-term.

2) He’s told you that he’s not the marrying kind.

3) You’re keeping other guys on the back burner. (Shellie excerpt: Y'all know I discern that too many people "date like they're married" and that's not healthy or biblically supported; however, if you are keeping other guys in your close emotional space so that you can "piece together a complete man", that's not good either. Plus, it prevents you from really seeing the strengths and weaknesses of the "main guy".)

4) You have nothing in common except sex. (Shellie excerpt. Good sex does not a stable relationship make. Remember, married folks don't "make love" via sex...sex helps them to *celebrate love*; the love that is already there.)

5) You have lots in common, but no sex life. (Shellie excerpt. For the "Hebrews 13:4 supporters", let's say you have lots in common but no physical attraction. When you *do* get married, your husband needs to feel like you desire to "one yourself" with his mind, BODY and spirit.)

6) You live together. If you’re already doing all the stuff that goes with married life without the formal commitment, there may be no motivation to move things to the next level.

7) His parents are divorced. Sometimes parents can give us a negative idea of what marriage is or instill a lack of trust in us through their actions. “Our relationship role models are often our blueprint,” says Levine. “It may be all he knows.”

8) None of his friends are married.

9) You’re both acting like you’re single. (Shellie excerpt. You both act like marriage is not on the radar. You're *single* until you're *married*.)

10) You don’t make time for the relationship.

11) You haven’t made your desires clear.

12) You keep things casual. Because you’re afraid of scaring him off, you’ve given him the idea that you could take him or leave him. This relationship will go nowhere fast until you come clean.

13) You’re settling. You know he’s not the one, but you’re keeping him around as a backup plan. But this is one plan that will never lead to a happy ending.

14) You’ve skipped over traditional 'steps'.

15) You haven’t traveled together.

16) You don’t have your own life.

17) Your relationship exists online.

18) You haven’t brought him into your world. 

19) You avoid fights.

20) He’s not financially stable. (Shellie excerpt: AND NEITHER ARE YOU.)


Good stuff. Run the list down before you proceed...

SRW

"On Fire": QUOTES OF THE DAY

 

"On Fire": The "It's My Birthday Week and It's Time for a CHANGE" Giveaway

 

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven..."---Ecclesiastes 3:1(NKJV)

OK...

Technically, I'm not even supposed to be online a ton between now and Tuesday (my b-day is 6.17) and so I'm gonna move through this just as fast as I can...

As I was praying about my 39th year and what I would be focusing on, of course it crossed my mind to pray for the "On Fire" women. And so, in commemoration of my own personal shifting, I'm going to be doing a giveaway, of sorts, for people who have a hard time adjusting to change OR they don't even realize that it's time for a change (if you want to read an article that has 50 signs that you need to change, click here).

The reason why the Spirit (John 4:24) is leading me to do this is because something he told me is that a lot of people, especially many of the women following this blog, do not take Ecclesiastes 3 seriously or literally. They don't embrace that EVERYTHING has seasons, times and purposes and when you don't seek divine wisdom (Matthew 7:7-8, James 1:5) on what season you're in and what purpose it is for, it's a surefire way to find yourself frustrated, confused or stagnated.

Physically, when spring transitions into summer, summer into fall, fall into winter and winter back into spring, while there are some seasons we may prefer over others, *we accept them all as a fact of life*, and simply adjust to them. Yet spiritually, when we're in a season of weeping or breaking down or mourning or refraining from embracing (that would be abstinence, right?-LOL) or losing or throwing away, somehow we feel like God is forsaking us (although he said he would never do that-Hebrews 13:5) when it's actually all a part of the "seasons". When what we really need to do is simply...*adjust* understanding that "He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11-NKJV)

Plus, there are things that happen within our own emotions (what I call our "soul thermostat") to show us that where we are is not (necessarily) where we need to be (or be right now or be anymore) too. Another great article entitled "9 Signs It’s Time for a Change" says the signs are these (click on the link to read the explanations for each point):

Fear is holding you back.
You catch yourself feeding the negative.
Your mind is everywhere except right here, right now.
You feel pressured to be someone other than yourself.
You feel like you’re competing against everyone else.
A relationship is making you miserable.
You feel bored.
You’ve been resisting change.
Other people are writing your story for you.

Speaking of "season stress", there are also people who feel like it should be "spring" or "summer" all of the time when that is not even close to being realistic (Ecclesiastes 7:18-Message). When things are fabulous, that's awesome. When they aren't, if you make a point to learn from the experience rather than complain about them (Philippians 2:14), it can be a wonderful lesson to take you into your next level of glory (2 Corinthians 3:18). Learning how to be your own "spiritual meteorologist" (through study, prayer, meditation, listening to wise counsel and making preparations--2 Timothy 2:15 [AMP], Psalm 42:8, Psalm 119:15, Proverbs 24:6, Proverbs 16:9) can make the sunny days brighter and the stormy ones (Proverbs 3:24-26-AMP) much easier to bear.

And so, if you know you're someone who doesn't embrace season shifting well OR you sense that it's time for a change but you're scared to make one (or them), you're one of the five (or maybe seven) women that I'm looking for so that I can send you a pair of these:



It's a pretty and unique reminder that seasons come because *it's a part of life* and if you want to grow, you have to be open to change.

This posting will be up until Friday at noon and then I'll be pulling it.

If you fit this bill, hit a sistah up at missnosipho@gmail.com.

Here's to accepting that for *so many*, it's time for a change!

tmm,

SRW

An Ounce of Prevention: "7 Common Dating Myths"

 

Now y'all know I love me some Jews...

This is a good article on the "7 Common Dating Myths". What I appreciate about it is that it's so *practical* (Proverbs 2:6-8-Message). After all, fairytales are for children (I Corinthians 13:11, Hebrews 5:12-14). It's a straight copy and paste from a popular Jewish website (Aish) and so that's why there are some of their terminologies in there.

Anyway, I did a straight copy and paste:

1) Every person has one special someone.  Actually, everyone has many more than just one person with whom he/she can marry and establish a loving, happy and enduring relationship. The mentality that in a world of more than seven billion people there is only one person wandering about that is meant for me – my twin, my soul mate – who, if found, will provide me eternal happiness and who, if not found, will doom me to despair and misfortune for the rest of my life, is a dangerous illusion. There is a gigantic field of hundreds, and maybe even more, of appropriate and worthwhile mates. A successful marriage depends less on the identity of the person chosen and more on one’s ability to conduct himself/herself in that marriage on a daily basis. Therefore, the task before you is not to decide “is this the one?” but rather to choose a person with whom you feel you can build a home together that is filled with love. This transforms the quest of choosing a spouse into something that is much more logical and attainable.

Many years ago, I heard Rav Ahron Soloveichik zt”l explain that bashert guarantees only one thing: God arranges that you encounter that person. Bashert does not guarantee that you will marry that person, or that the marriage will be a happy and fulfilling one; those depend on our free choice and good character traits. And even what we do after that initial encounter – pursue that person or ignore him/her; look for the good or obsess over flaws – also depends on our free choice. As such, it is probably best to remove the bashert issue from our calculations, as it obfuscates instead of clarifies. It should remain in the realm of divine secrets to which we have no access, and which plays no role in our deliberations.

2) When it is the right time, it will happen. This statement is somewhat true but also conditional – the condition being that you don’t interfere with what should happen. From G-d’s perspective, He has long desired to see many of his sons and daughters standing joyously under the chupah (marriage canopy). He is even prepared to assist in this process. But the problem is that there are those who, with their own hands, sabotage the process. How? Through their patterns of analysis, their manner of searching for a spouse and their conduct while dating. The central question becomes: is what stands between you and the chupah a lack of information or options? Do you need more and more advice, and more and more recommendations – or is a change in approach and a removal of [self-imposed] obstacles most desirable? If the latter, then a proper match is already available and waiting.

3) I simply haven’t met the right one. How do you know? Maybe you have and you told her/him “no!” Maybe the right one is in your vicinity – even a meter away – but you ignore her because you are focused – obsessed – on some model who is unattainable [or on an ideal that is a fantasy] and therefore you are uncertain if the person you are with is the right one. Maybe you are looking in one direction, and he/she is standing in the complete opposite one?

4) Without you, I am half a person; without you, I am nothing. A single is not a “half-person.” A single person is not a broken vessel or a worthless wretch. A single is a complete personality, productive and generous. Sometimes people forget that singles have lives outside of dating, and that they have other objectives in life aside from finding a spouse. Thus, aside from the questions that sound general and interesting but actually imply something else, like “Nu, what’s new with you?” and the encouraging but ultimately tormenting words “soon, by you,” it is permissible to ask a single, “How’s work?” or, “How do you like your new car?” or, “How about meeting for coffee tomorrow night?” or, say “That new blouse is stunning!”

Before you are a “single,” you are a human being. If everything in life hinges on dating, then perhaps it is time for some soul-searching. There are other substantive things in life – study, work, family, service of God, hobbies, etc. And God-willing a relationship will also be part of that life.

5) Men disqualify women based on superficialities like appearance. But this is true not only of men but also of women. It doesn’t happen all the time but it does occur too frequently. What does this say about us – the culture of the “pose” and the “show” in which we live? What does it say about us that visions of fashion models dance in our heads, drawn from the mass media, movies and advertisements, which clutter our minds and complicate our choices and the process of choosing? These are good questions for which each person must find an individualized answer. (Note: Be careful what pictures you post on Facebook. You have no idea how many potential dates are lost because of this.)

6) When it is “the one,” then you will know. It is clear that you have watched too many romantic dramas, but…real life does not work like that. Most couples arrive at this most momentous decision when something in their heart trembles, when everything does not seem perfect. Moreover, if everything seems perfect, check again. Maybe you have been blinded and are overlooking something important. In relation to other significant choices in life (where to attend school, where to work, etc.) the matters are complicated and there are pros and cons for each side. One has to have confidence and faith in the person with whom you wish to take the next step – but one who expects to hear a “divine echo,” or to feel butterflies in the stomach, or the sensation of burning love in his/her fingertips, will keep waiting and waiting.

7) Meeting on the Internet is for the pathetic and the desperate. Friend, you are passé. Even if there might have been something to this in the past, those days are long gone. Today, it is possible to find on the relationship websites many pious and exceptional individuals who understand that it is mistaken to categorically reject any option that God has afforded us in order to achieve our destiny. Of course, one has to exercise caution before an actual meeting takes place, but it would be a shame to discount any avenue to the sacred goal.

A debunking of many, if not all, of the aforementioned myths will lead to a healthier dating process and more satisfying marriages.

Awesome.

tmm,

SRW

An Ounce of Prevention: "10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While You're Still Single"

 

This is a *really good article* published on Essence's website.

It's a straight up copy and paste...

Stop Falling In Love With Potential: Having a healthy relationship with your partner means loving them for who stands before you today, not the hope of who they will become tomorrow. Falling in love with potential is a mistake.

Love Yourself More: I’m not talking about looking in the mirror and saying, “I look good.” Loving yourself is about respecting what you put in your mind, your body and your spirit. The more you love yourself, the more emotionally healthy people you will attract.

Get Some Identity Capital: I learned this from an amazing TED Talk by clinical psychologist Meg Jay. She articulates "identity capital" as something that adds value to who you are. It could be an internship, getting your start-up launched, going for that trek around the world — any initiative that builds character will later be desired.

Work On Your Vulnerability: The bottom line is, you can’t love without first being vulnerable. Putting yourself in positions of vulnerability in other areas of your life will help exercise this “muscle."

Be Intentional: Approach your love life as intentionally as you do your work. Choose who and what you want in a relationship rather than just making it work with whoever chooses you.

Understand Your Personality: The top reason blamed for divorce is money, but that’s incorrect, it’s actually the inability to problem-solve. Working through issues is solely based on communication skills. Effective communication stems from our personality. In my book, I explain in detail how to determine personality compatibility.

Know Your Values: Creating your "values list" is the most important exercise you can do when thinking about compatibility in a partner. Your values are your guiding principles, akin to your personal rulebook. If you try to live with someone who has a different set of rules, it’s not going to work. Spend time fully understanding what you value most (and why.)

Expand Your Social Circle: Adding what is called “weak ties” (friends of friends of friends) to your social circle is documented as the most effective way to realize new life opportunities, including jobs and a significant other. Focus on expanding your circle now. Here are proven ways to meet someone new.

Strengthen Your Belief System: I preach to my clients constantly that our belief is our reality. If you know your belief system (about marriage) needs support, I suggest beginning with monitoring what content you intake (via TV, blogs, etc.) and whom you surround yourself with.

Get a Mentor: I can’t say enough about the growth that comes from mentorship, whether it’s for romance, business or just life in general. If you’ve looked for a mentor with no success, you’re more than welcome to join my mentoring group, please join me here.

I also really dig that a guy wrote this...

Anyway, definitely some soul food for thought. ;-)

tmm,

SRW

An Ounce of Prevention: "It's Not About the Nail"

 

So...

My older-than-I-am-married-male-second-cousin sent this to me this morning and when I watched it, I thought about the amount of times I put men through this *and* the amount of times I have watched women put men (and women) through this. A lot of times people are not looking for solutions. You can tell by how much they wallow in their problems.

Sometimes a one-minute video (give or take a few seconds) can say *so much*:

It's Not About the Nail from Jason Headley on Vimeo.

tmm,

SRW

"On Fire": QUOTES OF THE DAY