Thursday, December 5, 2013
An Ounce of Prevention: 'Don’t Try to Get Romantic Partners to Step in as Parental Replacements – It Will Only Lead to Pain'
That's an oldie but goodie (?!?-LOL) up top. I remember when it first came out and although I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy when George Michael sang about being a father figure to a woman he's seeing, after reading the article below, the tune came back to my mind and this time, it actually made me feel pretty...um...icky.
And the reason why I chose this video rather than the actual one is because one, the "MTV version" is a bit on the steamy side (in parts) but also because this one actually *sounds* quite beautiful to the senses but the lyrics are *very disturbing* to the spirit. None of us need to be substituting a man for what we didn't get in our fathers. We need to heal what was broken in our relationships with our dads first. Yet so many people have such broken dynamics in their relationships that they don't realize that's *exactly* what they're doing.
Looking for father figures. It's something to think about.
Anyway, here's the article:
“Some relationships have to and should end. If you keep seeing your relationships not working out as abandonment, aside from each person having what is closer to a parental role in your life, you’re too busy trying to hold onto them at all costs and make them fulfill what you feel is their obligation to take care of you and never leave, that you miss some very obvious reasons as to why the relationship isn’t healthy and shouldn’t be forced to continue.” The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship, from the chapter Letting Go Of Abandonment.
When we’re willing to hold onto a person at all costs, even if that means losing ourselves, we’d rather have them on some terms, even if they’re crummy terms, rather than not at all. We decide that they’re the only way that we can be happy and we act as if they’re our oxygen supply. The very person who is actually contributing to our deep unhappiness is at the same time regarded as the primary or even sole source of our happiness. It’s the whole ‘crumbs is better than no crumbs at all…’ and unfortunately when we don’t treat ourselves with love, care, trust, and respect, and in fact starve ourselves of these, any ‘ole person can come along and pretty much say and do very little, and it will still look like more than anything that we’re doing. Of course it’s out of context because a crumb only looks like a lot when we’re used to little or don’t believe that we deserve more. It’s still crumbs though.
Whether a person is shady or not, it’s never good or healthy for us to expect that they will come along and parent us. It’s our job to be our primary carer. The fact that a parent may have inadequately parented us isn’t a reflection of our worth, our right to be here on this planet, or our future options. We deserve to be nurtured, loved, cared, respected, and trusted. We deserve to have a healthy, happy start in life, it’s just that this doesn’t always happen. Of course parents should stay and take care of us when we’re children because it’s what they’re supposed to do but, as I can attest to, this is far from being the case. It broke my heart as a child and I carried the burden of what I perceived to be my failure and fault well into my adulthood. I missed and yearned for what I could have been and what I thought my childhood could have been but the passage of time and some big lessons have shown me that actually, even if I’d had my father around, it doesn’t mean that my life would have been entirely different. Whatever has been, it doesn’t mean that we can’t have a damn good go at doing things differently for the remainder of our lives. At least we have a life to make our mark on – some children don’t make it.
Even if our parents are still around, trying to make them parent us, fix our adult lives, provide all of our security and give us our identity and purpose is unhealthy. Hell, they may be struggling to do these things for themselves! It’s not that they’re not our parents and it’s not that they couldn’t do with making some changes but there comes a time when we have to ask why we’re putting so much energy in trying to have Childhood Mark:2, when we could be getting on with the business of living our own lives. It’s not that they’re not our parents but it’s no longer their job to parent us because we’re grown-ups and we can do this ourselves.
We can use adulthood to unlearn all of the unproductive stuff and to figure out how to live our lives happily and authentically as us.
It’s our job to create personal security. We have to reclaim who we are, live our values, and make ‘mistakes’ (read: have experiences) along the way to gain clarity about what does and doesn’t work for us, as well as pay attention to where we’re making strides. We just don’t get much of an opportunity to do this when we nestle ourselves into someone who we’re effectively trying to get them to shelter us from ourselves and life.
It’s too much to expect that romantic partners will do for us what we’re not prepared to do for ourselves and it’s most definitely too much to expect them to fill up voids created by our parents. We want an external solution to our internal issues. We want to be directed and told who we are when that’s our role. We assign these people too much power. In deferring to them as being critically important to our survival, we end creating helplessness and taking up a child role in our very adult relationships. This is particularly scary when we don’t know them and/or they’re abusive.
When they leave or they don’t meet our hopes and expectations, it feels excruciating, especially because it confirms our worst fears and beliefs. We may do things in our quest to hold on that greatly diminish our sense of selves because we keep trying to please in the hopes that they’ll fill our voids and in turn, meet our needs, expectations, and wishes.
When we look for people to parent us, we invariably end up with a hotchpotch of one or both our parents who we’re trying to right the wrongs of the past with. We end up living in the past and playing out our child role in an adult setting with disastrous or certainly very painful results.
We cannot assign romantic partners (or indeed anyone else for that matter), what amounts to parental obligations. Each and every time we do, it makes us excessively emotionally reliant on these people and we abandon ourselves while being blinded to how toxic the involvement and our expectations are. We have an obligation and even if someone comes along, we still have that obligation to represent regardless. When we stop stepping up for us and behave like someone handing over the keys and saying ‘Here. They’re yours. Do what you like, make whatever changes you need but just don’t leave’, we’re giving people the blueprints to screw us over. The shady ones will grab ‘em with both hands.
It’s you who has an obligation to you to look out for you, to be you, to represent and meet your needs, expectations, desires, feelings, and opinions. Whatever you expect of others must be what you’re already being and doing for yourself. Once you do this, you approach relationships from a healthy place of desire, not a matter of needing a savior for your survival. A person will add to your life not be your life or your surrogate parent .
Good stuff. Take heed.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
I "happened upon" (Proverbs 16:33-AMP) that CS Lewis quote and at first I wasn't quite sure why it resonated with it...well, other than the fact that it's 100 percent true.
Then I thought about the fact that I recently had a conversation with someone who claims to want to be in a love relationship but they have *so many walls up* that it's exhausting dealing with them. Yes, I have heard the quote that some people put up walls just to see who will climb them but honestly, that sounds like some slick game playing to me. If you're not willing to be vulnerable then it's not time to be in a relationship. Love is, in part about vulnerability and yes, a part of that includes being "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt". Don't believe me? Ask Christ if dying for our sins didn't make him *extremely vulnerable* (John 19).
As I was thinking of the men in my world who I find to be the most admirable (and manly), it's the ones who are truly vulnerable in their relationships. And one time when you can see it shining through a man is when he is ready to propose.
And in walks the reason why I titled this blog post the way that I did...
Something else that I "ran into" today was a site entitled How He Asked. Even with all of the research that I do on the topic of relationships/marriage, I must admit that I had never seen it before. But if you get warm fuzzies watching marriage proposal after marriage proposal, then this would definitely be the site for you. It has stories, pictures, videos and even rings and vendors advice.
As I was doing a bit of perusing, I saw one that particularly caught my eye. One because I am soooooooooo not the jumbo tron kind of gal. I really liked the intimate setting that this particular man/groom/husband selected. Also, I adored it when he said to his woman/bride/wife "Your heart and soul reflects God and that's what I love the most about you." There are so many women who are consumed with their "wrapping" (physicality) that they don't develop their actual gift (spirituality). I mean let's not forget how I Peter 3:1-4(NKJV) ends: "...the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." That's referring to women, by the way.
Back to the site...
I have posted the video for you to check out Corbin and Kandace's proposal (click here to read the copy) from a couple of years back but do feel free to click on the pink link designating the same of the site in order to do more "engagement window shopping".
Vulnerability is not just a nice thing in a man. It's essential.
"Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every [wild] beast and living creature of the field and every bird of the air and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them; and whatever Adam called every living creature, that was its name. And Adam gave names to all the livestock and to the birds of the air and to every [wild] beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam; and while he slept, He took one of his ribs or a part of his side and closed up the [place with] flesh. And the rib or part of his side which the Lord God had taken from the man He built up and made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. Then Adam said, This [creature] is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of a man."---Genesis 2:18-23(AMP)
Here's something that I want you to consider. Just for a moment.
In the Garden of Eden, in the state of perfection, Adam had an *intimate relationship* with his Creator. He also had a job, one that came with a purpose. And after those two things were in place (not before-I Corinthians 14:40), Adam saw that he did not have a helpmate.
1) Scripture does not tell us that Adam *asked* for the Woman. He just noticed that, in the midst of his work, something was missing.
2) Adam realized this *while he was working*. As he was fulfilling his purpose.
Something that I have stated several times on this blog is that I find it to be super unfortunate (and also highly delusional-Matthew 24:4) that far too many of us will wait on a fairy tale story (which is a childish fable-I Corinthians 13:11) to define what our courtship should look like rather than the actual Bible. And not just that, but we fail to revere the only time when a couple was in a perfect state, which was the Garden of Eden.
The reason why I'm bringing this up is because prayer has revealed that there are far too many woman who are still (STILL) *sitting around waiting for a man* rather than *living a full life as a single woman* (James 1:4). And the main reason why that is such a problem is because Adam didn't realize that he didn't have a helpmate while he was sitting around doing nothing. He realized it *while he was working...in his purpose*. The "Wow God!" moment (Psalm 18:28) that is birthed out of that is the fact that God took a rib from Adam once Adam had a relationship with him and once he also knew what he was to do on this earth. Then (catch it, please) *out of those two things*, he made his helpmate.
ADAM WAS READY FOR A WIFE ONCE HE HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND WAS WORKING WITHIN HIS PURPOSE.
THE WOMAN WAS CREATED FOR ADAM ONCE HE HAD THOSE TWO THINGS...*AS A MAN*.
My mother used to tell me something often: "Do everything you can't compromise before you get married." It's actually a blog unto itself because I talk to women on a semi-regular basis who seem to live as if life will begin *once they get married* when the reality is that if you don't start discovering who you are now, you may find yourself getting with someone you may care about but who is not ultimate God's perfect fit for you (James 1:17). I have said it many times: the Word does not say "It's not good for man to be alone. I'll give him someone to love." The Word says "It's not good for man to be alone. I'll make someone suitable, adaptable and complementary for him." How can you possibly be that person if you are not focusing on becoming all that you need to be? In other words, a part of what God is using time for right now *is to create you* into the one who will be the right fit for your mate.
I just read a quote this morning by Shannon L. Adler that simply says this: "God doesn't put that much prep into something that is insignificant."
Some ladies need to change jobs because the next one will make them the kind of woman they need to be and as a result, *bring them closer to their husband*.
Some ladies need to move away from the city they live in because it will transition them into the kind of woman their husband needs and yes ultimately, *bring them closer to their husband*.
Some ladies need to focus more on their spiritual gifts than their talents because its by cultivating their *gifts first* that the Holy Spirit's power really manifests and in settling into that space, it will *bring them closer to their husband*.
Some ladies need to be more responsible with their time and their resources because the more balanced they are, the more attractive they will become, which can ultimately *bring them closer to their husband*. (How is a woman *helping a man* when she doesn't know how to manage her emotions or her finances?)
And yes, some ladies need to spend some time on an article that I "happened upon" (Proverbs 16:33-AMP) this morning: "10 Things You Probably Do That Block Your Creativity". Why? Because. For all you know, not being creative is hindering you from growing into the kind of woman God wants your future husband to have. Being close-minded. Remaining attached to the familiar. Using self-defeating talk. Putting your energy into patterns. Always finding an excuse to not step out. Look, does being made out of a rib sound "normal" to you? So why would some of the things that the Spirit is calling you to do have to sound "ordinary"? By doing something extraordinary, the Woman was made and she was *just right* for Adam and she knew it because he told her so:
"And Adam said: 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.'"---Genesis 2:23(NKJV)
How could Adam know this when he was asleep (not conscious) while the Woman was being made? He knew it because she was like him (that's what complementary means). And because they were similar, *he saw her*.
BY YOU DOING SOME THINGS IN AN EXTRAORDINARY WAY, THAT COULD VERY WELL BE HOW GOD IS "CREATING YOU" FOR YOUR HUSBAND...SO THAT HE CAN BE ABLE TO *SEE YOU TOO*.
So if this is resonating something within you, if you feel a spark igniting, then check out the article below. As the Lord told me, "Some men can't even see their wife because she's not letting me bring her to where she's supposed to be because she's so busy following her program rather than mine." And disobedience, especially when fear is the motivator (2 Timothy 1:7), brings not just consequences but ultimately lack too.
Yep, don't be mad about not being married if you're not properly preparing for marriage.
And with that, here's the article and the 10-point list:
If you’re wanting to live a creative life but feel something is holding you back, you’re probably right. And guess what? It’s most likely you. That’s right, for all the obstacles you feel are in your way and block your creativity, it’s often the things you say to yourself that have the biggest impact and keep you stuck.
Today I’d like to share with you 10 things you probably say to yourself that block your creativity.
1. I’m Not an Expert in My Creative Field, So I Don’t Feel Ready to Put Myself out There.
You don’t need to be an expert to put yourself out there. All you need is a unique point of view, and you already have that; we all do. Your creative work is special and ready to share with the world, so stop holding back. You’re already expert enough.
2. I Don’t Believe in Myself as a Creative Person.
The most powerful thing you can do for your creativity is to believe. When you don’t believe in what you’re doing it shows, and you sabotage your own work in the process. If you want others to believe in your creative work, you need to believe first.
3. I Feel Like It’s Not the Right Time Yet, But I’m Not Sure When it Will Be.
There’s never a perfect time, and if you wait for one you might be waiting your entire life. You can never know for sure when the best time will be, but the truth is the sooner you put yourself out there and start sharing your creativity, the quicker you’ll learn what you need to know to live your ideal creative life.
4. I’m Afraid Things Won’t Work Out.
You can never know if things will work out or not. But you need to trust yourself and believe that what you’re doing is worthwhile enough that whether you succeed or fail, it will be an experience well spent. Life is all about pursuing great experiences, and your creativity is something worth pursuing regardless of the eventual outcome.
5. I Think About My Past Failures and They Rule My Thoughts.
Constantly rehashing past failures is a sure way to get yourself down. If you’re stuck in the past, it can be very difficult to move forward. Let your past failures be in the past. They taught you valuable lessons that you’ve learnt from. But they don’t need to live in your now.
6. I Don’t Think I’m As Talented As Other People.
Comparing yourself is dangerous because when you compare you are not comparing like for like. You’re comparing someone else’s highlight reel (the very best presentation of their work) to your work in its entirety, warts and all! What looks average to you will often look amazing to others from the outside; it all depends on your perspective.
7. I Am Scared My Friends and Family Will Judge Me and My Work.
Our friends and family usually mean well, but sometimes their judgement can feel harsh. Whether it’s disapproval of your creative life choices, a perfectionist parent who picks at every imperfection, or a friend who thinks they know it all, comments from friends and family can really get you down. Often one bad comment can scar us for years, but it’s important to remember that most people will be encouraging and accepting of your creative work. As for the rest? Ignore them. They likely have their own issues at play.
8. I Feel Like I Will Make Mistakes If I Start Now.
We all make mistakes. And no matter how long you spend preparing yourself to start, mistakes will still be made. Mistakes are an inevitable part of the learning process. Go easy on yourself, and decide that it is OK to make a mistake.
9. I Feel Guilty When I Do Creative Work Because It’s Not Productive.
If your creativity isn’t making you money and something else is, it’s easy to feel guilt over doing your creative work because it isn’t productive enough. But you know what’s more important than productivity? Your happiness. Don’t let the pursuit of productivity rule your life. Start living and doing what you love because that’s what really matters.
10. I Need to Know All the Answers Now Before I Start.
You can never know all the answers before you start. No matter how much research and preparation you do, things will pop up that you never could have imagined. When you search for answers before you start, you are really just estimating what you need to know. To get most of the answers, you need to just dive in and start. There’s no other way to find them.
If you want a marriage made from heaven, let God *create you*.
Be open to being more *creative* so that your husband can see you as a great fit and the favor he needs when it comes to furthering his relationship with God and his purpose.
A great covenant couple does not just love each other.
They are suitable. They are complementary. THEY. FIT.
Monday, December 2, 2013
An Ounce of Prevention: '14 Red Flags to Look Out for in a Relationship' (from a Guy's Point of View)
You can learn a lot listening to a man's point of view. "14 Red Flags to Look Out for in a Relationship" is a great example of that fact. I'm just going to enclose the bullet points here:
Below are some of the common red flags that researchers and therapists recommend you look for in a relationship.
1. She’s a self-proclaimed “Drama Queen.” Beware of women who not only proclaim themselves to be Drama Queens, but also revel in the role. Drama Queens often swing from one emotional extreme to another; when life seems a little boring or flat, they’ll go out of their way to stir up a controversy. They’re often impulsive and demand to be the center of attention all the time. What’s interesting is that Drama Queendom isn’t just a character defect, it could actually be a psychological disorder called “histrionic personality disorder.” Who knew?
Drama Queens can be very alluring and attractive in the beginning of the relationship because of their seemingly outgoing and often seductive personalities. But the shtick gets old after a while and constant drama in a long-term relationship just makes people miserable.
2. You can’t stand any of her friends. You don’t need to be “besties” with her friends, but if the thought of spending an hour with one of them makes you want to jump in front of speeding traffic, then you might have reason to be concerned about your relationship with your gal. There’s wisdom in the old adage, “Birds of a feather flock together.” Your significant other likely has a lot in common with her friends — similar interests, temperaments, and beliefs. Because you’re not in love with her friends, you’re more likely to notice their annoyingly grating behaviors and attitudes. But because you’re infatuated with your gal, you’re likely ignoring or overlooking these same behaviors and attitudes coming from her.
Thus, if you can’t stand being around her friends now, there’s a chance you’ll feel the same way about your partner later. Don’t be surprised if your girlfriend is just like her annoying friend after the “Fog of Love” dissipates.
3. She says ALL her exes are jerks. There’s a possibility that every man she’s ever dated was indeed a jerk. If that’s the case, what does that say about her judgment, and what is it about her personality that draws her to losers? And that also means you’re probably a jerk too, as people tend to follow the same scripts and patterns across relationships.
The more likely scenario is that some — but not all — of her exes were jerks and she’s downplaying her role in the relationships going sour. This scenario is just as troublesome – as it shows a lack of self-awareness and an unwillingness to take responsibility. We all know folks who got fired from a job, received a bad grade, or got dumped because their boss was jealous, their professor was out to get them, and their girlfriend was nuts. It’s never their fault. Avoid relationships with this type of person like the plague.
4. She’s a flake. We all know that trust is an important aspect of a strong, healthy relationship, and it’s hard to trust someone who flakes out on you all the time. Watch to see if your gal follows through on her commitments in all aspects of her life. If she’s a flake with her employer, friends, and family, chances are she’s going to be a flake with you.
5. She treats waiters like crap. You can glean important information about a person from the way they treat strangers, especially those in a “server” role like a waiter, barista, or bank clerk. Psychologists have found that the way an individual treats strangers is often an indication of that person’s empathy, social conscience, and maturity of moral thinking — the same attributes that marriage and relationship researchers have found to be essential for healthy relationships.
6. She expects to be treated like a princess. When one person comes into a relationship with a sense of entitlement and expectation that his or her needs should always come before the other person’s, resentment, contempt, and anger are usually the results. Be on the lookout for subtle and overt clues that your partner has the “princess” mentality. (Hint: She has the word “Princess” stitched on the butt of her sweatpants.)
7. You argue all. the. time. There’s nothing wrong with conflict in a relationship. It’s completely normal, and in fact healthy at times. But if all you do is argue, then there’s a problem. Researchers have found that for a relationship to be happy, the ratio of positive to negative interactions needs to be 5:1. If your ratio is inverted, you’re going to be miserable. And don’t try to convince yourself that once you get more serious, things will get better. The first couple years are the honeymoon period! If things are already bad in the early stages of a relationship, you’re in big trouble.
8. She gets angry or guilts you when you want to spend time with your friends. We’ve talked a lot on the site about how important it is for men to spend time with their man friends — iron sharpens iron and all that. Unfortunately, some women don’t understand this and bust their boyfriend’s balls any time they want to go spend time with their buds – or they insist on always coming along to your formerly all-guy outings. A good woman will actually encourage you to spend time with the guys, understanding that it’s good for your overall well-being, which is ultimately good for your relationship too.
9. She never apologizes or takes responsibility for bad behavior. Psychologists call the ability to recognize and take responsibility for bad behavior conscientiousness, and it’s an important attribute in maintaining a healthy relationship.
“What you want to see is a partner who quickly admits to wrong because the feelings of guilt register without much defensiveness or denial. Long arguments where you have to convince your partner that he or she was wrong or should feel guilty are a definite reason to worry,” says Van Epp.
10. She has a bad relationship with her family. As the relationship gets more serious, you’ll likely meet her parents and family. Watch how she interacts with them. Her comfort level with her family will often lead to her putting down her guard and showing her true colors. Patterns or scripts that your partner uses in one set of relationships will most likely be introduced into your relationship (Van Epp). If she gets along great with her family, great! You’ll likely experience the same in your relationship. However, if she’s cold and distant with her family, tread carefully. You might experience the same kind of hostility later.
Of course, there are cases where the apple truly does fall far from the tree. If her family is nuts or abusive, her distance is understandable and likely a good thing.
11. She’s not flexible. Marriage and relationship experts have found that flexibility — the ability to go with the flow and adapt to changing circumstances — is an important attribute for relationship success. If your girlfriend is never willing to compromise or gets frazzled when plans change or things aren’t exactly the way she wants them, there could be problems with your relationship down the line.
How do you know if your gal is the roll-with-the-punches type? Go on vacation together – ideally to a third-world country where things will invariably not go as planned. Or, just as good, take her camping. She refuses to go camping – even once? That’s a big red flag in itself – at least in my book.
12. You don’t share any core values or life goals. It doesn’t matter how much you love each other, if you and your gal aren’t on the same page when it comes to things like values or life goals, things are going to be rocky. Research backs this up — couples who share many of the same values and life goals are happier and have stronger relationships than couples who don’t.
13. She’s violent. Did you know that women are at least as likely, sometimes even more likely, than men to initiate domestic violence? Sure, her punches may not hurt you, but if your girlfriend gets violent when you argue, that should be a bright red flag that you need to end the relationship. There’s some underlying emotional issues there, and if she did it before, she’ll likely do it again. Don’t shrug it off – slapping can escalate into the use of weapons.
14. She’s stingy with the appreciation. Feelings of appreciation keep a relationship strong and running smoothly. One of the things I love about Kate is no matter how many times I’ve done a run-of-the-mill chore or how small a favor, she always remembers to take notice and share her appreciation. If your girlfriend rarely notices and thanks you for the nice things you do, such stinginess will eventually run your ship of love onto the rocks.
Friday, November 29, 2013
There's nothing like hearing things from a man's point of view, which is why I go on men's websites to do a bit of "eavesdropping" from time to time.
According to "5 Signs of a Needy Woman":
A needy woman can be among the most frustrating aspects of a man’s romantic life. The problem is, a lot of chicks have no clue when they're acting like the human version of Velcro. Whether her needy behavior is subtle or overtly obvious, it can cause a lot of unnecessary and exhausting drama and put a major strain on your relationship. Below are five signs that will help you recognize whether or not your dating a needy woman.
1. She wants to stay in touch all the time. A needy woman will blow up your phone with a gazillion calls and text messages along with excessive emails. She also expects you to call and text her multiple times a day. She needs to know where you're going at all times and will begin to feel restless and angry if you are late contacting her.
2. She wants your attention all the time. A needy woman feels like she deserves your attention at all times, even if your busy talking to someone else, working on something or just relaxing by yourself. She demands to be by your side as often as possible and hand-holding and nonstop body contact is mandatory. She's a controlling woman who feels as if she owns you and discourages you from spending time with your friends.
3. She thinks you don't love her as much as she loves you. A needy woman demands to analyze everything about your relationship and thinks that constantly bringing up problems in the relationship will make you a better man. She'll tell you that she feels like she's the only one trying to hold the relationship together, and if she doesn't see you wearing the shirt she bought you three months ago, she thinks that you don't care about her anymore.
4. She's constantly worried about being dumped. If you forget to say "I love you" at the end of a conversation, she thinks the relationship is coming to an end. Due to previous disappointments and painful experiences with men, she is a psychologically unstable individual who needs constant reassurance that you are still there and haven't dumped her.
5. She has no life of her own. She's afraid to have her own interests, always glues herself to you and follows you around all the time instead of doing her own thing. She wants to spend every bit of her free time with you and wears out her welcome rather quickly.
Which led me to another article I read from a young cat (25) entitled "5 Signs You're Being Needy":
1 – You call, email, and/or text too much. If you’re over-communicating your partner, you’re bound to be single. You don’t need to be checking in every two hours. If you want to run a woman or man off quickly, this is one of the best ways to do it.
2 – You are overly-emotional. You share all of your feelings right away and you always doubt yourself. You need constant reassurance about your relationship, work and friendships. That is a instant turnoff. Most people interested in a relationship look for a strong partner they can lean on. So if you are always leaning on your partner, they might doubt your ability to do this. Remember, women and men want a partner who is confident and independent–not insecure and dependent.
3 – You are always available. This means you’re too available. Nobody wants a man/woman who are always available because it makes them think that you don’t have a life of your own, making you far less desirable. Being a challenge to your partner makes you more desirable. When you meet someone you like, show interest in them, but ensure that you keep your regular schedule and don’t be available every single day.
4 – You do whatever they want. You let your partner walk all over you and then continue to be a doormat and allow it over and over, giving up things you really value in an effort to align your life with their wishes. This is a instant turnoff no matter what their actions are displaying. Women and men are not looking for a partner who agrees with everything they say. They are looking for someone confident who can stimulate their minds and not bore them. Don’t be a yes man or yes woman.
5 – You need constant reassurance. You constantly need to hear how great you are and you constantly need your partner to stroke your ego. This is a sign that you have low-self esteem, high insecurities and a poor self-image of yourself. This behavior can become tiresome to most people because they don’t want to deal with a partner that needs constant assurance.
Which finally led me to an article that a woman wrote: "5 Ways We Sabotage Our Relationships". Because although you really can lose a good man by being needy, there are other ways that you (YOU) can bring your relationship to an end as well:
1. Needing To Be Right: If it is more important to you to be right or have the last word than to have a loving and close relationship, this will get in the way for you time after time.
2. Trying To Control Others: When you think you can change the way others act and feel, it's a no win situation. You will be constantly frustrated and the other person will feel judged and put down. This leads to both of you shutting down and no problems solved.
3. Withdrawing: If you don't talk about what's bothering you or leave a discussion without being honest or start doing more things with others, then you have become emotionally unavailable to your partner. Once disengaged you will both feel hurt and rejected and alone and no problems get resolved.
4. Trying To Get Back At The Other Person: If you go by the "You Hurt Me So I Can Hurt You Back" rule chances are you will just create an ongoing battlefield in the relationship. It really is just "Offending From The Victim Position" which is still offending.
5. Saying Everything You Think Or Feel With No Filter: We don't have the right to dump our fears, anger, lust, interpretations, accusations, etc onto others without their permission. We have to respect our own boundaries but we also have to respect those we love. Some people think they have to tell the people they love everything and right away or they aren't really close. Well, not everything we have to say is necessary or important to share and if it's pushing people away you have to ask yourself, "Is this working for me?"
Good stuff. Forward it along. Um, to the needy chicks...
Thursday, November 28, 2013
This article entitled "The Best Kept Secret to Highly Successful Couples" has some really good points in it. Especially since a lot of people are not *true givers*. They "give" only so that they can receive. That's not *giving*. That's a form of *manipulation*. Anyway, here's a straight copy and paste:
According to Adam Grant, Wharton's most popular and youngest tenured faculty member and the author of Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success, people fall into one of three distinct categories: givers, matchers and takers. While Grant's book is written for a business audience, its theories provide extraordinary insight into romantic relationships. The category you fall into may well determine the success and happiness of your relationship.
For example, has a romantic relationship ever made you feel like you were not good enough? Have you ever been taken advantage of by a romantic partner? Have you ever felt like you gave everything to someone and ended up completely worn out? Then you may just fall into the "giver" style of romantic partner.
Interestingly, while the giver style may have its drawbacks, givers are also usually the most attractive partners and are more likely to have long-term relationships. A study examining the trait most highly valued in potential romantic partners suggests that both men and women rate kindness as one of their most desired traits. Givers are also most likely to be affectionate, a trait which determines the long-term success of a relationship (as I describe in this article), not to mention their own longevity.
In order to understand where you fit in and how to best navigate your relationships with others, here's a summary of the three styles of romantic partners.
Givers are people whose primary motivation is to take care of others, to make sure others are well, and to contribute to others and society. In a relationship, these are people who are always thinking about gifts for their partner, who take their partners' interests into consideration, and who are always thinking, "What else can I do for you?" They're pretty awesome. As Grant mentions in his book, everyone likes having givers around because they are always happy to contribute and thinking of others. They understand the relationship as an opportunity to give and take care.
Givers often end up thinking that there is something wrong with them when they are unhappy in a relationship. They are the ones who think they are not lovable or good enough because they take personal responsibility for making the relationship work (rather than blaming their partners). They can end up burned out and exhausted from continuously giving if they do not receive the support they need from the relationship.
Matchers tend to keep a balance sheet in a relationship. When matchers give, they do so with an expectation of getting something in return. When they receive something, they feel like they have to give something back. Matchers are the ones who are keeping tabs and view relationships as somewhat like a commercial transaction. They are the ones who are most likely to say something like, "I did this for you, but you didn't do that for me" or "You paid for this, so I'll pay for that."
Takers are just that -- takers. They usually treat people well if and when those people can help them reach their goals. Interestingly, Grant points out that they often appear as the most charming and charismatic people on the surface. They know how to work the crowd and seduce, but under the surface they are actually motivated by self-interest. You can recognize a taker by how poorly they treat people that they believe are of no use to them. You know you're in a relationship with a taker when you feel sucked dry for all you have, whether it's money, affection, time etc. Once the taker has everything they want from you, you may be relegated to the unimportant sphere of their life. Their primary focus is themselves.
So who is most successful and who is least successful?
Grant points out a fascinating fact about who, among these three styles, is happiest and most successful: it is givers. What about those who are least successful? Also the givers! Why? Givers who learn to successfully navigate a world with matchers and takers make out great. Everyone loves givers, trusts them, and supports them when they are in need. So why are givers also the least successful? Because some givers don't know how to navigate that world and, as a consequence, end up getting taken advantage of. If you're a giver, you've been there at least once both professionally and personally.
Imagine a relationship between a giver and a taker? These end up with the giver completely worn out, having perhaps spent their savings, time and energy on someone who keeps demanding more and never or scarcely provides for their partners' needs (unless they do so temporarily because it behooves them at that moment).
What makes a successful giver? Read Adam Grant's book to get his complete lists of tips. One that stood out to me was the idea of being a "giver with awareness." Awareness of what? Be aware that the world has givers, matchers and takers. Watch people's words and actions and you will know who is who. When you navigate romantic relationships, friendships or business partnerships, investigate which category your potential partner belongs to and don't get blown away by first-impressions (as noted above, takers are masters of first-impression charm). Then what? In a non-romantic situation, you can deal with matchers and takers by adopting a matcher-like attitude (I know, hard to do for a giver!). Start speaking in terms of, "Ok, we have an agreement, you do this and in exchange I will do this."
What about in romantic relationships? I conferred with Adam Grant while writing this article and he shared the following tip about long-term love: "In the most successful relationships, both partners are givers. In other words, when a romantic relationship works, matchers and takers are focused on giving. Both partners might be giving in different ways, but they should be willing to support each other without expecting something in return. That said, when things get too far out of balance, I think we all become matchers." Imagine a relationship where both partners are always caring for each other's needs. Where when there is a fight, both are the first to say, "I'm sorry, it was my fault." In which both live their life with their partner's best interest in mind. You better believe that matchers and takers are also looking out for givers so, if you're a giver, be sure you seek one out for yourself too because you deserve it.
If you recognize yourself as a matcher or taker then -- first of all -- congratulations on being so honest with yourself. Of course, because of givers' affectionate and service-oriented qualities, it is also in your best interest to have a partner who is a giver. However, I'd like you to consider two things:
First, givers will never be fully happy unless you support them as they support you. They will eventually feel worn out and perhaps even leave. In a recent study by Amie Gordon at the University of California-Berkeley, those who experienced more gratitude in their relationship also felt closer to their partner, more satisfied with the relationship and tended to engage in more constructive and positive behaviors within the relationship. Ultimately, for a good relationship that benefits you, you will want your partner to be happy and you'll want to support them in return.
Second, as Grant's book clearly outlines, givers are the ones who end up being most successful and happy if they are not taken advantage of. A large amount of research now shows that a lifestyle comprised of kindness and service leads to greater fulfillment as well as health and happiness. If you want to be happy and successful, it therefore behooves you too to be or become a giver.
With the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays coming up, it's a great time to start being a giver! After all, isn't that what love is about?
Indeed. It is... (Acts 20:35)