Sunday, July 29, 2012

"On Fire": Are You *Always* the OPTION?

"And the king was pleased with Esther more than with any of the other virgins. He liked her more than any of the others, so he put a royal crown on her head and made her queen in place of Vashti. Then the king gave a great banquet for Esther and invited all his important men and royal officers. He announced a holiday for all the empire and had the government give away gifts."---Esther 2:17-18(NCV)


This morning I was reading an article that a "reality show" (I'm starting to think that those are a blatant shot against the Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18) inspired this particular writer to pen. Although the program that she referenced basically offends me as both a black person and a woman, I still got her point. Sometimes, it's what you least expect (like or want) that will teach you some of the greatest of lessons.


She was referencing a particular VH-1 program and it was this part of her copy that actually inspired me to pen this (ah, the circle of life-Proverbs 16:33[AMP]):

"One of the best lessons I’ve ever learned was that a man who truly loves you will never try to use you as his Plan B because what he’s really saying is 'Hey, I dig you, but I think there’s something better out there' For example, Diddy and Kim Porter, after all of these years of breaking up and making up, they’re still at it. There is absolutely no future in being an option in someone’s life. There’s no payoff in seeing who can hold on the longest. Time is of the essence and no one really has time to waste, waiting around for boys to become men, wake up, smell the coffee and realize that they had a good thing. Playing the role of an option simply subjects one’s heart to rejection and abandonment over and over again. I remember helplessly watching a friend pick up the pieces of her life after her 'on again/off again' man left her at the altar for a second time. Not only did she have to cope with her broken heart, but she had to face the reality that the signs were there a long time ago, but signs are irrelevant if one refuses to open their eyes and see them. Recognizing and admitting that you are playing the bottom chick in your relationship can be a hard pill to swallow, walking away can be even more difficult. But, what is difficult now can cause even more damage in the long run."

That will *preach* on so many levels and it *definitely* reminds me of the saying, "Never make someone a priority who considers you to be an option." I have since (and *sense*) edited that to be more in the lane of "Never make someone YOUR priority unless God tells you to; that resolve should not be OPTIONAL." (LOL) But anyway, here's where I'm really going with all of this. In reading what Jazmine Denise (the writer) wrote, there were "trigger phrases" that popped out.



The bottom chick. *The bottom chick*. She's the chick who is the "filler". She's the chick who is the other "20 percent" that the guy is not getting elsewhere (with the "80 percent"). She is the chick who he "kills time" (sometimes literally) with. She is the chick who he *might* enjoy hanging out with, but not enough to change his lifestyle or make any real long-term (and monogamous) commitment. She is the chick who confuses having sex with *real love making* (Hebrews 13:4). She is the chick who plans her wedding to a guy who rarely even takes her out. She is the chick who thinks that being in a man's life for years is like some kind of odd emotional currency that she can spend on a wedding ring someday (prayerfully sooner than later). She is the chick who finds, usually after the heartbreak, that she was *telling God* that he was "the one" rather than *asking him* for wisdom of whether "the one potential" should be a fact in her life or if she's really been just living in a fictional world the entire time. She's also usually the chick who doesn't listen to *sound advice* because she wants him so bad that *common sense* doesn't even resonate with her.

Who wants to be *the bottom chick*?!? And yet, there are *so many women* who are EXACTLY that. Some of them are reading this blog at this very moment. And here's the thing: If you consider yourself to be *and act like you are* a member of the royal priesthood of the Most High's kingdom (I Peter 2:9), how could you *ever* get the impression that God would want you to assume the role of the bottom chick? Why would you *ever think* that God *the Father* would *ever* want one of his daughters to be treated like she's not the top choice but simply an optional meantime?

I think that's what I like about the verses up top re: King Xerses and Esther. Although I have *no desire* to be in a biblical or televised version of The Bachelor, I do think there is a spiritual symbolism in Esther's story that we should take special note of. Actually a few:

"And the king was pleased with Esther more than with any of the other virgins. He liked her more than any of the others, so he put a royal crown on her head and made her queen in place of Vashti. Then the king gave a great banquet for Esther and invited all his important men and royal officers. He announced a holiday for all the empire and had the government give away gifts."---Esther 2:17-18(NCV)

1) It was *a king* that looking for a wife. A grown man. A provider. Someone who was aware of his worth, value and power. Someone with a purpose and was *fulfilling it* before Esther arrived onto the scene (reminds me of Adam and the Woman in that way-Genesis 1-2).

2) King Xerses desired a *queen* who was also a *lady*. If you recall the entire story, Esther got promoted because Vashti got demoted. Vashti was a queen too, but she didn't know how to *honor the king's position*: Some guys are not choosing a certain woman (*or kind of woman*) because *she's out of position* and he can clearly see/discern that fact.

3) As a single man, King Xerses did spend time with other women (and *single guys* should be allowed to do the same; you are *married* when you are actually *married*), but he came to the conclusion that he liked Esther the most. And while Esther 2:14 shows us that it was basically the protocol for all of the women, I have a feeling that Esther was *completely fine and secure* with that resolve: "She would not go in to the king again unless the king delighted in her and called for her by name." (Esther 2:14-NKJV) Real talk: *Some of us are so busy calling 'him', going to see 'him', doing for 'him' that he couldn't reciprocate even if he wanted to. And here's another point: GUYS MAKE TIME TO DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO!* The other thing that I really enjoyed is that the New Century Version says that King Xerses selected a woman that *he liked*; it doesn't say that he "fell in love with" or " was undeniably attracted to" or "couldn't keep his hands off of" Esther. It simply says that he *liked* her. Something tells me that when they spent time together, before he made his ultimate choice, she stood out because she was smart and funny and engaging and *got him*. There are a lot of married people who I talk to who say that it's not looks, it's not sex, it's not money and sometimes, it's not even "the love feeling", but it's in actually *liking* your life covenant partner that you are able to get through the hard times. (Duly noted.) I believe this speaks to King Xerses seeing Esther as a potential life-long friend *and* his wife. (*Very nice*.)

4) When King Xerses decided that he liked Esther *most of all*, he made her his wife *and queen*. I really hope you catch this one because in my premartial and marital counseling, I discern it's something that a lot of women miss or don't recognize until after the fact. When you marry a man, you don't just become his *wife*. If you are marrying a man who serves THE KING, then he comes with a certain level of spiritual stature as well. A big part of what the "On Fire" Fast Movement is all about is not just getting us ready to be someone's helpmate (Genesis 2:18) *but* to also get to a place in our own esteem, worth and value (Psalm 139:14) that we know that we deserve to be more than merely someone's "wife"...that marriage...*marital covenant* (Malachi 2:14) should play a *direct role* in promoting everything about us. *WHEN YOU MARRY GOD'S BEST FOR YOUR LIFE, *EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU SHOULD BECOME AN UPGRADE*. Women who get married only to have their life and livelihood to become "less than" or even "equal to" their single life is in an odd relational formula.

5) King Xerses *celebrated* his wife and (catch it) encouraged everyone in his world to do the same. This is a resounding theme throughout the Bible. When Adam saw the Woman, he praised her (Genesis 2:23-25). When Jacob saw Rachel, he *volunteered* to work some years just to have her (Genesis 29:18-20). When Boaz chose Ruth, he made a verbal declaration of what he would do in her life (Ruth 3:10-13). If you're in a relationship with a guy who is not *proactive* about praising you, celebrating you, honoring you and *expecting the people in his life to do the same*, that's another thing to ponder (Proverbs 4:26) before fully moving forward. Have you ever heard of a queen in "real time" not being celebrated? Yeah, me neither.

I love the Spirit *of truth* (John 4:24) because so often, we find ourselves in situations where we ask ourselves, "Is that me?" but we remain because we're not sure. If you're wondering if you're an option in your current relationship, um, *circumstance* (LOL) or why you continue to find yourself in that kind of dilemma, those five points should make things *much clearer*. God is good. He *always* enlightens are darkness (Psalm 18:28) when we seek him (Matthew 7:7-8).

You are a child of the Most High (Psalm 82:6).

Stop being the "bottom chick". Stop being the "filler". Stop being the *option*.

Honor God and yourself by choosing to be no less than *first choice*.




  1. OMGoodness.... I across your blog via a link on Facebook... And what a blessing. I have been reading them non-stop since yesterday. Thank you for doing what God has placed on your heart; helping and encouraging women (and men) to know their worth and know GOD's word. Continue to be a blessing and be blessed...


  2. Hey Kesha...

    You're sweet. Yeah, this "labor of love/calling" has been going for longer than I would've ever thought, but you never know how big God's vision is. Today, I see that a part of who God wanted me to pen for was you. He's thorough like that. ;-)

    Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope you'll be back.