There are a lot of testimonies that I get from the "On Fire" women but there was one that I received in response to the "Love and Be.Loved" post that I was awaiting her permission to post. Her name I will leave anonymous but her words, I discern, need to be read...processed...pondered...felt...related to. Partially because I am a *huge believer* that confession brings forth healing (James 5:16), partially so that some of you won't feel alone and partially because I am *ecstatic* that she chose not to settle. Real love for God, self and then others means that you won't:
"It has been awhile since I reached out to you but this latest post on the On Fire blog broke me down (spiritually & emotionally) and at the same time it began my restoration.
In 2009, I thought I had found THE ONE for me and had even began marriage preparations. Everything appeared right but when I seriously sat still and listened with my heart & soul to what the Holy Spirit revealed, I knew I was making a flesh choice versus a spirit one and broke the engagement off a WHOLE year later.
What I know from looking back over the past few years and even further to when I started making relationship choices is this...
All my past relationship choices have been detrimental to me either spiritually, physically, or emotionally or all of the above.
I have tried to fill a void, a longing, a desire that stems from low self-esteem and from not knowing or acknowledging my self-worth. I looked to men to fill my Daddy void with their promises to never leave me. I looked to sex to make me feel in control and powerful in a relationship that demeaned my worth. I looked to food to soothe me and bring me comfort when I was alone. I looked to pleasing everyone even before myself to make me feel accepted. I stayed too long with men who did not hold me sacred or honor me just for the sake of not facing me or being alone. I always seemed to attract men who 'had potential' and I was going to help them be their all, even it is meant my own demise. I tried to be their savior.
In all this loving, I realized I could not love anyone else until I began to love myself. In all this saving him/them from their demons I was losing my own soul.
I settled for anything because I thought it was better than no thing.
I did not trust myself much less God to handle the affairs of my heart.
Besides the fairytale love affair I have read about and that is glamorized on TV, I personally have not experienced 'love right' in a romantic relationship.
I use to feel like I was incapable of loving or receiving love. I was physically abused. The ones who claimed to treat me right simply because they did not leave a physical bruise said I was difficult.
The truth of the matter is I just simply did not know what true love is. Real love...yes ma'am - I am searching for the real love."
Talk about "beauty for ashes". I got some more "Love and Be.Loved" necklaces for those who have experienced less than what God desires for them.
Hit a sistah up.
And thank you, "you know who you are" for being willing to share. Our testimonies save us *and* those who hear us (I Timothy 4:14-16-AMP).