Monday, May 13, 2013

An Ounce of Prevention: Are You Emotionally Healthy? AND Signs of Emotionally Unavailable People. 


As I was taking care of something, I saw a book that came out this year that I recommend *every woman* on "On Fire" purchase: 


The eight chapters are as follows:

1) Quit Being Afraid of What Others Think
2) Quit Lying
3) Quit Dying to the Wrong Things
4) Quit Denying Anger, Sadness, and Fear
5) Quit Blaming
6) Quit Overfunctioning
7) Quit Faulty Thinking
8) Quit Living Someone Else's Life

If you know you need it and it's not in your budget, hit me up. God and I will work something out. For everyone else, you can get it here.

Actually, I "happened upon" (Proverbs 16:33-AMP) that book on the heels of an article that I read entitled "10 Signs of Someone Unavailable Emotionally". Yep. It's a straight copy and paster:

Here’s a list of more subtle red flags that may signal unavailability, especially when several add up. They apply to both genders. Following them are questions to ask yourself to find out whether you’re ready for a committed relationship.

1. Flirting with flattery. Men who are too flattering may also be adept listeners and communicators, like snake charmers. Often good at short-term intimacy, some lure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but they prefer the chase to the catch.

2. Control. Someone who won’t be inconvenienced to modify his or her routine. Typically, commitment phobics are inflexible and loathe compromises. Relationships revolve around them.

3. Listen. Your date may hint or even admit that he or she isn’t good at relationships or doesn’t believe in or isn’t ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe them. Ignore vulnerability, bragging, and compliments.

4. The past. Find out if the person has had a long-term relationship and why it ended. You may learn that prior relationships ended at the stage when intimacy normally develops.

5. Perfection seekers. These people look for and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move on. The problem is that they’re scared of intimacy. When they can’t find imperfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Don’t be tempted to believe you’re better than their past partners.

6. Anger. Notice rudeness to waiters and others, revealing pent-up rage. This type of person is demanding and probably emotionally abusive.

7. Arrogance. Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed.

8. Lateness. Chronic lateness is inconsiderate, and can also indicate the person is avoiding a relationship, but don’t assume that punctuality means he or she’s a catch.

9. Invasiveness or evasiveness. Secrecy, evasiveness, or inappropriate questions too soon about money or sex, for example, indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to unfold. Conversely, someone may conceal his or her past due to shame, which may create an obstacle to getting close.

10. Seduction. Beware of sexual cues given too early. Seducers avoid authenticity because they don’t believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real, they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power play and about conquest.

Most people reveal their emotional availability early on. Pay attention to the facts, especially if there’s mutual attraction. Even if the person seems to be Mr. or Mrs. Right, yet is emotionally unavailable, you’re left with nothing but pain. If you overlook, deny, or rationalize to avoid short-term disappointment, you run the risk of enduring long-term misery.

And then the author added this...

10 Questions to Ask Yourself

Be honest with yourself about your own availability.
Are you angry at the opposite sex? Do you like jokes at their expense? If so, you may need to heal from past wounds before you’re comfortable getting close to someone.

Do you make excuses to avoid getting together?

Do you think you’re so independent you don’t need anyone?

Do you fear falling in love because you may get hurt?

Are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Although people complain about their problems, many have even more difficulty accepting the good.

Are you distrustful? Maybe you’ve been betrayed or lied to in the past and now look for it in everyone.

Do you avoid intimacy by filling quiet times with distractions?

Are you uncomfortable talking about yourself and your feelings? Do you have secrets you’re ashamed of that make you feel undesirable or unlovable?

Do you usually like to keep your options open in case someone better comes along?

Do you fear a relationship may place too many expectations on you, that you’d give up your independence or lose your autonomy?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, counseling can help you heal in order to risk getting close. If you’re involved with someone emotionally unavailable, pressuring him or her to be more intimate is counterproductive. However, marriage or couples counseling can change the relationship dynamics and help you to have a more fulfilling intimate relationship.

I'll say this. A lot of single women can do their marriage *a lot of good* by getting into some counseling *before* they get into a relationship with someone else. That said, honestly, I tend to process Proverbs 20:18 as a "before marriage and after marriage" kind of verse: "Plans are established by counsel; by wise counsel wage war." Singles: Plans are established by wise counsel. Married folks: By wise counsel wage spiritual warfare (Ephesians 6:10-20) against Satan and all of us "covenant haters". 

It's definitely hard to be in an emotionally healthy relationship when both people are emotionally unwell and sometimes women are too prideful and presumptuous to see that they are attracting remnants of what they are. Without question, you'll save yourself a lot of heartache by checking all of this kind of stuff out...beforehand.



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