Monday, June 24, 2013

An Ounce of Prevention: "10 People to Avoid When Dating"

There's some good stuff right here...

Thank for the wisdom. I'm going to copy and paste excerpts but I recommend clicking here and reading all of it. There's some real gems in it:

Most folks tend to marry people they date. So, your grandmother may have advised you, “Don’t date anybody you wouldn’t want to spend the rest of your life with.” There’s a certain truth there. So, ask yourself -- if you’ve decided the one you've been dating “is the one!” – whether that person is really Mr. or Miss Right. 

Beware of the desperate dater: "Anything less than a year of dating is too short," advises Arterburn. "Desperate daters want to rush the process, trying to lock you in quickly with expensive gifts or cheap sex so you will have great difficulty backing away."

Beware of the non-recovering dater: Anyone consuming vast quantities of something or compulsively performing some compensatory act like work or exercise is highly suspect. That date is most likely a person who needs to be in recovery rather than in a marriage. There is nothing wrong with dating or marrying an addict as long as that person has shown at least two years of consistent involvement in a recovery program and the program has helped produce some character and integrity. Another red flag is the person who avoids a substance altogether.

Beware of the under-grieved dater: Grieving takes time. At least a year and often two. And that is with the help of a counselor who can help you grieve properly. If you are dating someone who is still angry and bitter of a loss they have not yet entered into the sadness that is needed for grieving to be complete. This does not mean that this person is not dating or marriage material. It just means that they are not eligible at the moment; Mr. or Miss Not-Right-Now is the best way to look at them.

Beware of the hard-luck dater: The personal impact of the failure is subjective to the individual, of course, and the sicker the person, the greater the sense of devastation he or she feels over seemingly small tragedies. One way this person will compensate for feelings of failure is to find some success in some area such as dating.  And what better way to prove you are not a loser than to have you on the arm when walking into a party or the old hang-out.

Beware of the "OK-but-not-great" date: Marriage is meant to be a lifetime commitment between two people, just you and your partner. That is hopefully what both of you are signing on for. It is not the kind of commitment that should be in place until you find someone great to replace the person what was just OK. 

Beware of the parentally enmeshed dater: This is a show stopper or at least it should be. They always say you can tell a man by the way he treats his mother but this situation is the exception to that. The bottom line is that you do not want to spend your life with a Mama’s boy. If you do, you will be 'the other woman' all your life, interfering with two people who are umbilically attached. You are not his Mama and everything that is not his Mama must learn to relinquish all dreams of being anything but number 2.  

Beware of the financially upside-down dater: It is obvious that when you marry and it’s the real thing, you marry everything about that other person, including the financial status and history and credit score. Your assets and debts become the other person’s assets and debts, and vice versa. That’s why those vows read, “For richer or for poorer or for in poverty or for in riches. You sure do want to consider that poverty part. A shiny car to date in is not the cure all to avoid poverty and in fact may be a sign you will be headed that way. So, before you leap, look at the financial realities of the other person. 

Beware of the dater under obligation: A marriage arranged under any kind of pressure is a marriage that will likely crumble beneath that pressure. If your parents are pressuring you to get married or to marry a certain person, or if you pick up that the other person is under a similar type of pressure, its time to knock that pot off the burner until you can make your own decision.

(GREAT POINT) Beware of the deceived dater: If you say to me, “I have real peace from God about marrying this person,” I would probably say, “yeah, right!” Sounds like blasphemy, doesn’t it? After all, if you have real peace from God it’s a slam-dunk and you can move forward. Right?

Wrong. "Now don’t get me wrong," writes Arterburn. "God can and does give you his peace about a lot of things. You seek him, you feel his presence, and everything aligns and creates peace. But you have to be careful when it comes to huge, emotion charged decisions like who you are going to marry.

What you think is peace might be you in a state of denial. Your peace may come from your refusal to or inability to see the truth about this person. You might have peace because you have a real blind spot about people in this particular area. You just don’t see it. Or you could have a real peace because you are emotionally unstable and this person is one milligram more stable than you so you feel great when in reality you are both in the same boat. It is very easy to mistake terrible for not so bad and it is easy to be very confused when you are in love. So, if real peace is your number one criteria for moving forward. Please step back and at least be willing to consider that there might be a degree of sickness or silliness in your real peace."

Beware of the angry dater: Anger, rage, bitterness and animosity can all come to the surface after being covered up successfully. If you don’t believe how bad it can get watch one of the reality shows like Bridezillas. If you see this out of control behavior before marriage I shudder at the thought of what you might see after you are married. It can only get worse and often ends in physical abuse. So when rage and anger surface it is time to lace up your Nike’s and race to the nearest exit. 

I know, right? Well said and well done. If you want to cop the book that references this wisdom, the info is below:

You can order it here.



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