Thursday, July 18, 2013
"On Fire": What Kind of RATIONALIZATIONS Are You Making in Your Relationship?
*Too many women make "relational rationalizations"...*
This was the conclusion that God brought me to as I was doing some praying for a few women I know who are honestly in some of the most dysfunctional kind of situations that I've heard of in recent years; yet they keep trying to find reasons and ways to stay in them due to rationalizations like:
He's not spiritually mature, but I can help to get him there.
He doesn't have a lot of money right now, but I'm lending him some to help get him off of his feet.
He's divorced and his ex-wife is still single, but I'm dating him because they were never meant to be. (I Corinthians 7:10-11 ain't nothin' to play around with y'all!)
He spends the night over at my house but we don't engage in *actual intercourse*.
He's not really the kind of man I'm looking for, but he's nice to me.
He's not as attentive as I would like, but we can't have everything we want in a relationship, right?
He has a long way to go, but I'm just the woman to get him there. (There *where* exactly?)
And here's the thing: Have you ever looked up the definition of rationalize before?
Rationalize: to ascribe (one's acts, opinions, etc.) to causes that superficially seem reasonable and valid but that actually are unrelated to the true, possibly unconscious and often less creditable or agreeable causes; to make rational or conformable to reason; to treat or explain in a rational or rationalistic manner
There are a lot of folks in some really jacked up relationships, not due to love (love doesn't jack us up---I Corinthians 13:4-8, I John 4:8&16), but due to the fact that they have rationalized their way into them. They make *the superficial* seem reasonable and valid; they attempt to conform untruths to reason; they try to explain the straight-up foolishness that's going on in a rational manner.
I thought about this on a deeper level when I read an article entitled "Six Signs You’re Settling for Second Best". Here are a couple of the red flags that were mentioned:
You see your relationship as a rescue operation. You know you're in danger of settling the moment you make a "to-do" list of things you'd like to help your partner improve upon: lose weight, stop smoking, be more outgoing, find a better job, and so forth. The best person for you will not feel like a fixer-upper.
You pointedly decide to overlook your partner's flaws. Some settlers skip over rehabilitation and go straight to resignation. But denial is not the basis for a healthy, lasting union. If you've told yourself a problematic relationship is "as good as it gets," snap out of it!
You routinely make excuses for your partner to others. Listen carefully to what you tell friends and family members about the person you're dating. It's a red flag if you find yourself rationalizing his/her shortcomings: "He's overcome a lot...She's going through a rough patch...He didn't have good role models." When you've found the one who is right for you, the statements will sound more like this: "He is so creative! She really understands me! We have so much in common!" You know better than anyone what you dream of in a life partner. Don't be stingy with yourself. Hold out for the very best.
A healthy love relationship is not about going on rescue operations, overlooking flaws and making excuses for another individual. It's about two people being spiritually committed to God first, their purpose second as they prayerfully discover ways that they can cause one another to grow in the Lord and fulfill their purpose.
Yes, a godly relationship will *never* cause a person to compromise their relationship with God (this would include his standards) nor will it be a stumbling block when it comes to another person's purpose.
So, if you are in a relationship where your human trinity (mind, body, spirit) is not elevating OR you are the reason why someone else is not improving and you know (that you know that you know) this is the case but you are remaining in the relationship (or is it trap?) anyway, I would encourage you to do some *serious* praying for some divine wisdom (James 1:5). Just because he's a nice guy, just because you're not (technically) having sex with him, just because the situation is going "OK", that doesn't mean you're not settling and there's a pretty good chance that you're rationalizing why you should stay. Or why the relationship should stay the way that it is.
Check the Garden of Eden transcripts (LOL).
A helpmate *helps* to make a godly man better.
She does not rationalize why being with less than God's best is right.