Sunday, January 19, 2014

An Ounce of Prevention: Excerpt from 'Patterns in Relationships: Stop Settling for Less'


I'm not a big proponent of "once a cheater, always a cheater" (because I serve a big God who can change anyone's heart and life and habits if they are willing-Ezekiel 36:26, Romans 12:2), there is still a lot of truth in what this author is saying. You can read all of it here. For now, I'll enclose this excerpt:

Relationships should not feel like a sinking ship or even a ship lost at sea and neither should you if you are in a healthy one.  When you settle for less you begin to believe that this is all you are worth and that shows up in the partners you begin to accept in your life.  A healthy relationship shines like a light in the distance guiding you to the shore.   The person in it treats you with love, mutuality, respect and honesty and encourages you to be the best you can be.  Their influence in your life builds you up instead of tearing you down.  In a healthy relationship the possibilities of what you can do shines a light on the horizon you are sailing towards and doesn't diminish your self-respect or self-worth.  

Look in the mirror and ask yourself if what you are in is what you truly want.  You shouldn’t have to change who you are, trade-down, or compromise your values to be in relationship.   Liars typically don’t stop lying just because they’ve met you.  Cheaters usually continue cheating even though they’ve met you and tell you how amazing you are every day.  Leopards don’t change their spots.  What it is that you are lying to yourself about that is keeping you out there in an ocean of denial?  It’s a good place to start.

Here’s what I know:  The person you are settling for doesn’t know your worth 1) because they don’t have any, and 2) you don’t either.  They are lying to you, because they see you lying to yourself.   Most shady individuals know that they are in fact, shady.  And when you accept them into your life, you are telling them right off the bat what you think of yourself.  When you trade down you rob yourself of the opportunity to have something real, nurturing, connective and reciprocal.  It’s like making deposits into a bank that doesn’t give you an ATM card - you’re not going to get anything out of it.  That isn’t love.

Love doesn’t involve rearranging who you are to cater to the life of someone else.  Love doesn’t involve sacrificing your peace of mind and self-respect to please someone for fear that they will abandon you.  Love doesn’t involve lying to yourself or convincing yourself that you can magically turn a dragon into a butterfly.  

"You can't turn a dragon into a butterfly." Whew chile. That's a T-shirt right there!

Another way to put it is "You can show God's love but you can't be God. And only God can get someone mature enough for a healthy relationship so that they can receive the divine kind of help that a woman is created to provide." And even with God, a man has to *choose to receive God's assistance*.

That said..

God never called us to settle. He expects us to trust him (Proverbs 3:4-6).

And wait in the meantime (Psalm 27:14). Until his best (James 1:17) arrives.

*Watch out for those dragons, y'all*.

Being "on fire" should refine. Not destroy.



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