Tuesday, February 18, 2014

An Ounce of Prevention: 'Demanding Too Much Too Soon!'



This is something I checked out on a website that actually transcribed a video from YouTube. And while some of the points do vary based on the situation and let's all say it together: "Sex is for marriage". That said, a lot of what she says, has some real wisdom to it for sure. It's a straight copy and paste:

So often in relationships it seems that women tend to give over their power, their space and their dignity as soon as they are with a man. Patterns of wanting too much too soon ensues and the relationship crumbles. I talk about how to overcome this.

Does this sound familiar, folks? Woman meets a guy; guy’s really interested in the gal, he’s right into her, and they start to see each other. Then, something goes wrong. She starts demanding too much from him, then he backs off and doesn’t call again. This is Anna’s issue. She has this guy who really liked her, then he just stopped calling, started ignoring her texts, and said, “You want too much, too soon.” I see this in my office really often, especially with women, and I just want to say—and I’m a lady too!—there are three things that are very important when you start to see a guy.

(1:10) The first: impulsiveness is your enemy. If you feel like calling just because you’re lonely, and you’re calling some more, don’t. One call is sufficient, then let him come to you. Trust that he will, and if he doesn’t, he’s not the right guy. The second thing: slow it down. My philosophy is: the first three months, don’t see each other or talk to each other more than once or twice a week. Don’t engage in sex sooner than a month—of course, that’s your moral code. But the longer you wait for that massive intimacy, the better, because you’d have all this physical intimacy, but the emotional intimacy needs to catch up, and it’s just not going to; emotional intimacy takes time, takes getting to know one another.
(2:05) The third thing is: give space to each other. Have you ever heard the saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt?” That saying is there for a reason. The faster you are more familiar, the faster you’re going to start nitpicking, criticizing and judging each other. So give time and give space. And of course, draw boundaries. Have a boundary in terms of your personal activities. If you are trying to fill your life with a guy, clearly your life is not full enough with your own sense of self. So get a sense of self. Don’t make the guy the center of your life—it never works. I find that some women, when they have a man in their lives, tend to find their lives more valuable, but on their own, they don’t feel like they have a lot of value. Find the value on your own. Don’t be so quick to fill your like with him. I did another video called, “You are the steak of your life.” Go watch that one, because you are the steak, and he is the gravy. He is not the steak—you are the steak, he is the gravy. You can still have a delicious steak without the gravy. You want to make sure that you are centered.

(3:32) Anna, you’re not paying attention to what he’s telling you about himself. I want you to believe him when he shows you who he is. If he doesn’t call, don’t call! If he ignores you, take that as a sign that he needs space. Don’t take it personally, just back off. A lot of women have their family issues—maybe they didn’t feel loved enough by their family, maybe they didn’t get enough attention from their dads, or they had a lot of conflict in their homes or felt controlled by their families, and they project all of that lack onto their relationships. And they demand the love they didn’t get at home from their relationship. Anna, that person can’t give you all that you did not get and all that you lost in your family of origin. So back off, take it slower, give it tons of space, have more of a personal space within yourself, a centerdness, more going on in your life, so he’s just an adjunct to your life, versus the centered of your life, and watch your relationships be more successful, healthier, and more desirable.

Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist

Demand, by very definition, is "to claim as a right". *A guy is not your property* so yeah, be very (VERY) careful what you call yourself demanding from "him"---mind, body or spriit.



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