Saturday, February 15, 2014
"On Fire": If You're with 'Him'...HUSH.
So, I've been processing this ever since I read it on yesterday. And since I can't seem to shake it---even after doing some praying about it---I decided to post something on...it.
As a heads up, I'm not going to post the video of the Huffington Post interview (although you can click here if you'd like to watch it), simply because the interview itself is more about the man's, um, appendage and all that has happened since his failed proposal. However, what I will share is the video to the proposal itself:
Whew! OK, personally my prayer is that my future beloved will be in tune enough with me to not pull a public stunt like that. A part of the reason is because I actually know a few people who said "yes" to a public proposal *simply because* they didn't want to come off as, let's go with the word "jerk" (LOL), for saying "no" in front of a ton of folks.
Yet, that's not why I'm posting this. It's actually for a few other reasons...
For one thing, I found it to be really interesting that he said "I knew that I was going to do this from the first day that I met you." Well, you can tell from her rejection (did the chick actually *run off*?!?) that not only were they not on the same page but one could question if they were even in the same book when it came to their relationship. Hmph. It's interesting because we often witness instances of *women* wanting more than men in a relationship. Here, we see the total opposite. And honestly, it's just as hard to watch. (Maybe harder.)
Lesson one: Don't *assume* that you and the person you are dating want the same things. You need to find out. Pray to God first, communicate with them second. It can spare you a lot of...stuff. (LOL)
Oh...but that's not the real catcher. This is...
If you are not familiar with Patrick Moote's story, it's the following statement that caused him to get *a lot of media attention* and also produce his own documentary: "When Moote asked her later why she didn't want to marry him, she said the thing no man ever wants to hear -- his penis was too small."
OK...*now* do you see why I've been processing this ever since I read it?
I have to admit that I was a bit conflicted. On one hand, I was like "I can only imagine how this would've played out if they had not had sex before marriage only for her to find that out then." Then on the other hand, I was thinking "But in God's design for courtship (which is, eh hem, purity), she wasn't supposed to know until then anyway." *And then*, if I had another hand (LOL), the next thought was "Did she miss out on a really good man simply because he was 'lacking' in a certain area?"
'Cause look...we all pretty much know that if it had been the other way around and he told her that he couldn't marry her because she was too fat or her breasts were too small or he wish she had a six-pack, everyone would think he was shallow. And a bit mean. And to a certain degree, "they" would be right.
Lesson two: God knows what he's doing. Including when he said to wait until marriage before having sex. When we take vows (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7) to love someone, there are not supposed to be conditions or contingencies.That's why Matthew 19:6 tells us that what God joins together, we are to let *no man* (or woman) separate it. If "she" had given more time to focus on Patrick from a spiritual/emotional place, there's a really good chance that his, eh hem, shortcomings would have paled in comparison to everything else.
Now, am I saying that we shouldn't marry who/what we're attracted to? Nope. I'm not saying that. at all. As a matter of fact, I don't understand the "Christianese" of "Their heart should be all that matters" when it comes to choosing a life partner. Sex is important in a marriage (I Corinthians 7:5) which means that sexual attraction is too.
However, there are two points to that as well:
1) Due to sexual sin, there are a lot of people who are not sure what they want or like, even if they think that they are. Why? Because they are influenced by lust and not by love and so they are far more caught up in somebody's body than their spirit man. And Satan's *lusting* every minute of it. After all, he was once perfect in beauty (Ezekiel 28:12). He knows how to use his demons to appeal to others---for evil and not for good.
2) A lot of individuals are not over someone in their past; the are so deeply soul-tied that they think "the new person" is lacking when the reality is that "the old person" is consuming far too much of their emotional space. And also what I call their "sexual hard drive".
I remember talking to two people who were virgins when they got married and I liked what both of them said:
Husband: "She's small-chested but it was my first time feeling breasts and so I was thrilled regardless."
Wife: "I've never been with anyone else and so I don't know if he's 'great in bed' or not. He's good to me and I know that I don't want anyone else...I'm glad that I don't have to be caught up in making comparisons anyway."
A part of me can't help but to wonder that as much as Patrick might have initially felt embarrassed, did his almost-fiance' even put her own self "on blast"? Because obviously, she had to have experienced more than him to come to the resolve that she did. Hmph. It makes me think of the purely carnal (and I now see spiritually immature) statement that I've made in times past and I still hear women make: "I don't want a virgin or any man I'm going to have to teach when I get married."
Ugh.Talk about needing to put away childish things (I Corinthians 13:11) because real talk, if we all had done this right---ALL OF US WERE SUPPOSED TO BE VIRGINS WHEN WE GOT MARRIED AND YES, WE WERE TO LEARN ABOUT SEX WITH ONLY ONE PARTNER. To say something so carnal and juvenile speaks to how much a lot of us still have to learn when it comes to honoring sex from a *spiritual place first* before anything physical. As one of my favorite "sex authors" says (paraphrased): "Sex is about oneness first; orgasms second."
And this brings me to the final point...
When I first read Patrick's story, I skimmed it and so I initially thought that "she" had told other people that his penis was small; not him. And honestly, I still wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she did. Yep, from how she handled his proposal, I wouldn't be floored at all if she told some of her girlfriends about his issues before she ever talked to Patrick. (A lot of women do that...unfortunately.)
And it was in thinking about it that I found my own self repenting (James 5:16). Why? Because there have been things about the men in my past that I have had absolutely no problem talking about, with or without their permission---and I don't mean anonymously either. And do you know what it showed me and Patrick's journey has reminded me? I didn't really love them; at least not the way that they deserved. Proverbs 10:12 tells us that "Love covers all [ALL] sin". So when we say "I love you" to someone, if we're not talking to another person for *the express purpose of wise counsel* (Proverbs 24:6), then we are talking too much. Point blank, period.
If any of you have read my first book, you know that it consists of accounts with men in my past. However, what you may not know is that I shared the chapters of my "babies' daddies" with them before the book went to press; not because I had to (especially since their real names aren't in it) but because I felt they deserved to hear my perspective, in print, before others did.
Yet I must admit that when I would partake in sin with certain men and the relationship (or whatever you want to call it-LOL) didn't work out, I didn't honor their privacy or at least try and make up for the sexual violations by *not* putting their "good, bad or ugly" on blast. Hmph. Now that I think about it, having a big "no comment" about certain things that I know is *the least* that I could do as a way of extending an olive branch for knowing things that were never my business in the first place.
So, does that mean I won't ever reference my past again? Nope. It doesn't mean that. I'm a huge fan of the Amplified Version of I Timothy 4:14-16; that our testimonies will save us and other people. It's just that as I tell my story, I will make sure to keep it as anonymous as possible and stay away from some details that simply aren't necessary---for others to know. Because I should've never known about them in the first place. And one day they will marry a sistah who will wish that I hadn't.
This brings us to the final lesson...
Lesson three: If you are currently in a relationship, again "love covers all sin". Therefore, unless you are being abused or you are seeking real help about your relationship, *hush your mouth*. Now Patrick's issue wasn't a "sin". It was simply a situation. And again, his ex should be careful in the future because a physical judgment call about something that she cannot change might end up boomeranging on her one day (Galatians 6:7-8). Yet as a wise person once said "There can be no love without trust" and so no one should feel like being loved by you puts them at the risk of their vulnerabilities being put on full blast. (And I won't even get into the fact that if you're obey God, you shouldn't know about them sexually at all!)
Case in point. I recently read some lyrics from a remix of "Drunk in Love" ft. Jay Z and Kanye West. In it, Kanye West says that he impregnated Kim's mouth and that's when he knew she was his spouse. (Yes...he said it just like that.)
Do you feel any love or respect in him telling the world that? Yeah, me neither.
Love covers. Love. Covers. LOVE COVERS.
And yes, it also protects.
So, if there are some guys you know you've talked way too much about, they might deserve an apology from you. Remember that James 5:16 tells us that in confession, there is healing.
And either way, remember that whether you are in a relationship now or you're simply praying for your future beloved, it's important to seek divine wisdom (James 5:16) on what should be shared with others and what absolutely should not. A good way to gage is to think about what you would want them to say about you---and what you wouldn't.
And in the meantime, let Patrick's story remind us all that some things, we really don't need to know, *at all* (which means we have to *choose to trust* that God will meet *every need*-Philippians 4:19), until vows have taken place---until we and our spouses have the kind of assurance and protection that what will be disclosed will be and then remain in a safe, sacred *and forever* space. Just as God intended for it to be all along.