Tuesday, May 27, 2014
An Ounce of Prevention: 'Signs That He Is Not 'the One'...FOR YOU'
It's one thing to want to be in a relationship...
It's another matter entirely to want to be with the one who is right *for you*...
Right: in accordance with what is good, proper, or just; in conformity with fact, reason, truth, or some standard or principle; correct; correct in judgment, opinion, or action; fitting or appropriate; suitable; most convenient, desirable, or favorable
When it comes to that last definition, I was just talking to a husband recently about how one way to know that something is "God's kind of right" is this: Although all relationships will have their fair share of *issues* what "God's kind of right" will not have is a lot of *drama*. To me, that speaks to being in the kind of relationship that is most convenient, most desirable and most favorable.
Here are a couple of articles on how to know if someone is *not* the *right* one for you. (S-C-A-P):
A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece titled “10 Signs He Has What It Takes to Be Your Husband," and from reading this post, one might think that if their guy doesn’t have those characteristics, he isn't the right guy... period. But, I'm here to tell you that it’s a little more complicated than that. Allow me to explain. Keep reading, and I’ll help you identify 10 ways to recognize that he’s wrong for you.
Its All About Potential
If you like the potential of whom he could be, rather than the reality of who he is, he’s just not for you.
You Can't Be Yourself
If you act differently around him than you do with your friends and family, you’re in the wrong place. Find someone who lets you be yourself.
You're In Denial
Whatever the issue is, if you are working hard to deny facts about your relationship that you know to be true, then you are dating the wrong person.
He's Already Taken
Sorry, I have to be clear with this. If he’s dating, engaged, or married to someone else, he DOES NOT belong to you.
The Cons Outweigh the Pros
Write down the advantages of continuing to date him. Then list the disadvantages. If the latter list wins, it means he is a loss.
If you’re only with him because you’re afraid of being alone, you can do bad by yourself.
The Relationship Needs A Wrench
If you spend your time trying to fix him, please realize this is a fruitless activity. We only have the ability to change ourselves. Let him fix himself, first. He’s wrong for you at this time.
You Don't See Him
If he’s “just too busy” to see you, it means he has higher priorities than you. Let him date himself.
He Doesn't Mesh With Your Circle
If, in order for the relationship to work, you need to cut yourself off from family and friends, you have the wrong guy.
Your Gut's Telling You to Get Out
Our subconscious is trained to guide us, listen to it. If it’s telling you to leave him, it’s time to leave.
Next article: "10 Signs He's Not The One"...
Some people say they "just knew" that they were dating their future spouse. But what about the rest of us? What happens when you're not sure if he's The One? If you're considering long-term commitment or marriage, it's time to ask yourself some tough questions. Below, ten signs that may indicate he's not for you.
1. You have a list of things he needs to stop doing/saying/wearing if he wants your relationship to work. If you're fixating on his flaws, he's either not the one you want or you're not ready for a serious relationship. Cutting him loose allows you time to grow and gives you the opportunity to meet a guy whose flaws you can embrace—or at least accept.
2. You don't trust him. A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you're hacking into his email account, and popping Xanax when he hits up happy hour without you, something's wrong. If there's something about him that truly warrants your distrust, then perhaps he's not the right one for you.
3. You avoid conflict at any cost. Fighting is healthy. And, when done right (in the non-accusatory, rational sort of way), it can be a great way to air grievances, fix problems in your relationship and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all... even if it looks that way.
4. When you're sad, you don't turn to him for comfort. When you're a giant ball of tears and snot, do you lock yourself into the bathroom so he can't see you at your worst? If you're worried about scaring him away, one of you isn't ready for total commitment. Mr. Right should make you smile through your tears, and be a calming, not stressful, presence.
5. One of you is struggling with an addiction. He's sweet. He's exciting. He loves you very much. But he loves his alcohol habit or his weekly gambling fix more. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can change him or that your relationship will be strong enough to withstand the heartache that addiction will inevitably bring. An addict may be able to change, but he'll do so on his own terms.
6. You can't really imagine him as the father of your children. Ask yourself: Would he make a great parent? Is he financially responsible? Would he be an equal partner in your future together? If you have doubts, he's probably not the one.
7. Your long-term, non-negotiable goals in life are incompatible. You want kids; he doesn't. You go to church every week; he's an atheist. He lives in the country and doesn't want to move; you can't imagine ever leaving the city. Superficial differences can be overcome, but differences in basic values are harder to smooth over. Ask yourself: "Would I be willing to compromise on this?" If the answer is absolutely not, you may not be right for each other. The Thermostat War, And 6 More Silly Compromises
8. You don't respect each other. He puts you down in front of your friends and complains about you to his parents. You roll your eyes when he talks because there's just something about him that embarrasses you. A relationship without respect can't sustain itself.
9. You're not attracted to him. Sex is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship. If he doesn't do it for you, he's probably not your best long-term match.
10. On paper he seems great, but you have this strange feeling... Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he's not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.
OK...that "life goals" one? It's BIG. Make sure that through all of the googly eyes and doodling of his name that you have some pretty clear discussions on that point. Indeed, some guys are good people, but after assessing where they are headed vs. where you are called, they are simply not the one...*for you*.