Saturday, July 19, 2014

An Ounce of Prevention: 'When Women Are Too Eager to Please...'

The title says it all in a nutshell....

Although I will say that there was a quote in here that I feel all single women should put up on their refrigerator (and I'm so serious about that):


Whew chile! And on that's the (S-C-A-P) article:

"Bending over backwards can backfire."---Peter Berrett

The worthwhile man loves the woman who likes herself. He finds her self-assurance refreshing, stimulating, and exciting. A truly good man actually appreciates the challenges a self-respecting woman can and does deliver. In fact, a good man is happy to pursue the type of woman who "can hold her own." On the other hand, women who are too eager to please will fail to keep his attention. The good man, in fact, he is bored by women who are fully predictable and never present a challenge.

The following is a list of things women do that guarantee she will NOT attract worthwhile men:

Ways Women Try to Prove Themselves to Men:

By canceling plans with friends because he called to say he wants to see you on the same day. (Women are notorious for doing this)

By making excuses for him when he fails to do the thing he said he would do, like calling or meeting somewhere, on time.

By sticking by him and having sex regularly with him, even though he rarely takes you out on a real date. (Shellie here: You already know. EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO HIM.-Hebrews 13:4, I Corinthians 6:16-20-Message)
By feeling obligated to have sex with him by the 3rd date. (Let me say right now that you don't have to do anything until you are ready.)

By NOT realizing the emotional ramifications of a premature sexual relationship.

By sexting him often, before you truly know him.

By doing his laundry, cooking or cleaning frequently, even though you don't live with him.

By being available for booty calls anytime of the night.

By paying off his debts and/or giving him money.

The list goes on and on. All of these behaviors ultimately backfire on women for one simple reason: When you do every little thing for a man he becomes lazy. He then develops (if he didn't already have it) a strong sense of entitlement. You will have created a monster who doesn't have to do anything to keep you around since he knows full well you will "bend over backwards" for him.

Some women make a habit of trying hard to please a man because of the general cultural confusion regarding sex and intimacy, and how these things are intertwined within the context of behavioral roles between the sexes. For example, women generally feel the need to care for and nurture that which she loves. Indeed, this caring behavior is quite natural as well as culturally acceptable.

Nurturing behavior, in and of itself, is a positive. However, a woman's decision to continue nurturing is problematic within the context of partnerships or marriages where her partner is not committed to the well-being of the relationship. In this construct, destructive relationships are enabled to remain extant even though it should be severed.

In other words, not all women know when to stop trying so hard to care for and nurture a partner who has stopped caring for her. Unfortunately, too many women fail to recognize how she may be compromising her own emotional health for the sake of an unhealthy relationship which she wrongly believes is worth the effort even though his bad behavior continues to prove otherwise.

But take heart... we've all been guilty of trying a little too hard to prove ourselves to one man or another for all the wrong reasons. But make no mistake, the most disastrous reason for trying too hard to please someone is because you feel desperate to keep his attention. Another reason we go overboard is because we're just plain confused. Somewhere along the way, we bought into the idea that we have to do back flips to prove our love. Yet trying too hard isn't working--it's backfiring on us instead!

However, you can overcome this habit of compromising yourself for the sake of a relationship. You do this by knowing and believing that any desperate methods for trying to keep his interest are ALWAYS going to fail...and I do mean always! However, it's never too late to change course and begin turning the tide of love in your direction.

True Sex Appeal is Not About Proving Yourself.

There is a time and a place for trying hard to impress--take sports, for example. If you want to make that team you had better impress the coaches. In an interview, you've got to prove to the boss that you can do the job by communicating your skills. Yet in romantic relationships, it really is a different matter. When a woman meets a man she really likes, she has to take a step back and stop herself from frantically trying to keep him. Behaving desperately proves one thing--that you feel insecure. Unfortunately, anxiety and insecurity acts as a terrible magnet... one which unfailingly attracts men who enjoy exploiting women.

The desperate woman is the narcissistic man’s prey.

When a woman is too eager to please and impress, she is always going to attract selfish men on a regular basis. Men who prey on vulnerable women always look for the woman who tries too hard. The self-absorbed man learned long ago that he doesn't have to do much of anything to keep the anxious woman interested and "off-balance."

He can "play" her, and she will stay. She is easily confused because he is sometimes very, very nice and seemingly loving. But make no mistake, acting like a decent man is not the same as actually being one. He has learned to project a temporary facade to manipulate a woman's feelings. He knows that the eager-to-please woman will hang tough and continuously make excuses for him despite his disrespectful actions toward her. In fact, she stays with him in the hope that he will change and become the man she wants him to be. But he can't. He needs professional help and, frankly, change is usually the furthest thing from his mind. His need for control is nearly always too strong and satisfying to allow for any lasting change.

Worthwhile Men Are Not Narcissists

Unlike the narcissist, the worthwhile guy doesn't mind if his lovely lady calls him out on his occasional bad behavior--like when he places a frosty, dripping mug of beer on her beautiful wood table because he became so absorbed in his football game that he "kind of forgot" about the coaster sitting nearby. In fact, he wants her to feel comfortable in saying, “Hey handsome, how about putting a coaster under that wet mug, like pronto." She might even say, "Here’s a roll of paper towels to wipe up that mess,” while teasingly taking aim upside his shoulder with the towels--in good fun and without malice, of course.

Secretly, he thinks it’s kind of funny and a sort of "hot" that she doesn't let him get away with acting like a slob. He respects that she takes care of her home and the things in it. “She keeps me on my toes. She can see right through me, even if she drives me a little crazy.” Those are the kind of thoughts a good guy has when he meets a woman who can hold her own. The selfish man, however, would be highly offended by such actions, believing (wrongly) that his manhood is being called into question.

How Do We Stop Trying So Hard?

We can stop trying too hard by first giving ourselves permission to know it’s OK to stop bending over backwards. A good man doesn't want a needy woman who is always, constantly doing everything for him. Furthermore, If she doesn't change her needy behavior, she will continue to attract men who don’t care. And on the few rare occasions when she does manage to attract a good guy, she's going to blow it by doing the needy, trying to impress, desperate thing without even realizing it.

This I-have-to-prove-myself persona will have become so much a part of what she does, she won't even know she's doing it. She won't know what hit her when the nice guy finally says, "I'm sorry, but things are not working out." He'll shake his head sadly and walk away. He may not even know what is wrong with the relationship, he just knows in his gut that something isn't right. The decent guy doesn’t want a doormat, nor does he want a vamp-like woman who has a vise-like grip around his neck. The truth is that he wants a real woman who knows her worth so well, she doesn’t have to prove it.

The next important thing on the checklist is to "get a life." Take your life back with him or apart from him. Stop checking your cell phone messages every minute of the day. Go to Zumba classes, see a movie with your girlfriends like you said you would. Go out bicycling, dancing, anything fun. Plan regular dates with yourself. Get a foot pedicure. Sign up for that Spanish class once and for all, like you've been meaning to. That way, the next time he calls, your fabulous self will be way too busy to cancel your wonderful plans just for him. After all, you've got things to do and you have no problem letting him know, maybe even in your newly learned dialect that you're just "too busy at the moment."

"Lo siento mi amor, estoy ocupado hoy." (Sorry my love, I'm busy today)

Suddenly, You Don't Have To Prove Yourself Anymore.

You're beginning to feel pretty darn awesome just as you are, all by yourself. After all, you're not lounging on the couch, day after day, eating Doritos and reading trash novels. (Well, let's hope not, anyway.) Rather, you're getting up each day and doing the things that need to be done, whether it be working, studying, picking up the dry cleaning, washing the car, preparing breakfast, or working out at the gym. You are NOT that woman who cries hysterically at any ridiculous thing. You have enough sense to know that broken fingernails are not the end of the world.

On the other hand, you are the sort of woman who says "Yes" or "No," as the situation warrants. You are someone who can handle the truth, but you will request that it be delivered without malice. You're real and vulnerable. You're working on yourself. Mostly you care, about yourself and others. You have your act together – mostly... and that’s good enough.

Long story short, you like yourself. Do you need to lose ten or fifteen pounds? Maybe. Are you trying to stop smoking but haven't quite cut down as much as you want? Perhaps. Did you "lose it” with the jerk who cut you off in traffic and nearly sideswiped you off the road? Pretty much. But when your dad is in the hospital for a knee replacement, will you visit him daily and bring him funny cards and feed him jello? You bet. And if your boyfriend really liked that movie you saw together, are you going to surprise him with the DVD? Most likely. How about if his car breaks down on Saturday morning? Are you going to pick him up? Of course, well... unless you're in the middle of getting your hair done at the which case he’s out of luck, but hey, that's what his guy friends are for.

My point is that you are the kind of person who is there when it matters. However, when you're busy doing things for yourself, you'll remain focused, like a laser... and that's awesome and sexy. Believe it or not, taking care of your needs gives you automatic leverage in the sex appeal department. That's why you're so perfect. That's why he can't get enough of you. You don’t have to try so hard. You've got the goods. In other words, he knows you will be there for him when it matters. He knows you've got his back. Why? You're a no nonsense person with a loving heart who takes pride in caring for herself and he respects that about you.

That's why he will come to respect that just because he calls, doesn't mean you'll automatically set aside your previously made plans for his convenience. He expects you to have a life. You keep him wondering about you and he finds that exciting.

Furthermore, although you can take care of yourself, he wouldn't mind if it you might let him take some extra care of you. It's a male thing. Men like to show their love when they are "head over heels." In fact, a good man will practically stand on his head for you. A guy in love wants to be the man you want him to be. He wants you to be happy. You never want to deny a man this pleasure.

However, when a woman does that standing on her head thing for him, it is actually out of character for her. Her trying too hard feels "off kilter" to the good guy. He longs to have the pleasure of seeking her out and having her need him. Oftentimes, he longs for the thrill of the chase. He seeks and you let him. That's how it works best! It's natural. Thus, your job is to be true to yourself and keep doing what feels right for you. If he respects this, your love for him will come naturally. Furthermore, it will be healthy, simple and true.

Once You Learn How To Be The Mystery He Has To Solve, You'll Have His Devotion.

A good man doesn't need or want you to be predictable all of the time. The worthwhile man appreciates that you have interests apart from him. He also believes you'll be there when it matters because you will. So let yourself be the self assured woman you are. deep inside. Honestly, it is your birthright to be fabulous. When the time is right, you'll have ample opportunity to do all the things for him that bring you joy and it won't be a thing of feeling as though you must prove your worth by trying so darn hard. The truth is that once you embrace your individuality and your autonomy, if he is a good man, you'll have his undivided attention forever.



Good soul food. Eat up. ;-)



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