Monday, December 15, 2014
An Ounce of Prevention: 'I Got Your Closure Right Here'
I remember hearing TD Jakes say years ago that people don't need closure in a dating relationship as much as they think they do; that when one person stops participating in the relationship...there's your closure. What's the need to have dinner to discuss it?
I thought about that again when I read the article "I Got Your Closure Right Here". While I don't totally agree that individuals don't need closure simply because they were dating and not married, I am going to share all of this article because 1) there are some great points in the letter (this guy can certainly convey his feelings pretty well for someone who is so seemingly confused about, well, his feelings) and 2) to encourage all of us to ponder (Proverbs 4:26) if we need "closure" or *clarity*. And if we don't get closure from the guy *ever*, if we're willing to accept a quote on closure that I recently read: "Sometimes, you don't get closure. *Sometimes you just move on*." For the record, I also liked it when the author of this feature (who calls himself THE RELATIONSHIPBEAST) said "You can have my yesterday. You cannot have my tomorrow." Amen. And amen!
*God can give you closure. And clarity.*
Sometimes we forget that because we're more focused on the "creature" than his *Creator*. (wink, wink..hint, hint)
At least once a week I get an email from someone on the subject of “Closure.” They want Closure. They need Closure. They deserve Closure. I AM THE RELATIONSHIPBEAST & I know all things relationship . . . except for Closure. I never understood Closure in relationships. I get it in marriage but in dating? Closure in dating is unnecessary. Stop needing it. Move on. If you don’t want me, then I don’t want you. We are good. Good luck. I’ll be d---ed if I sit through a conversation about the reasons why you don’t want me.
But as THE RELATIONSHIPBEAST I find it necessary to close this gap in my relationship expertise. I have to provide something to my millions and millions and millions of fans globally and universally who decide that they still need Closure even though I done told them that they don’t need it. (#GoUniversalORGoHome)
So here we go! If you need Closure here it is. It is right here forever more. If you had an ex-boyfriend that didn’t give you Closure five years ago and you still need it . . . the following letter will suffice. If you broke up with your 2nd boyfriend today . . . the following letter will suffice. If you break up with a boyfriend 10 years from tomorrow . . . the following letter will suffice.
I received this letter from one of my followers. She said that she wanted Closure and he gave it to her. The names and cities have been changed to protect the girls and boys.
I started dating a man 3 months ago that I previously dated in college (some 15 or so years ago). We broke up in college because we were not mature enough or prepared for a serious life-long commitment. We did love each other. Three months ago we reconnected. It was a love story for the ages. He said that he considered me “the one that got away” and spoke strongly of not letting me get away again. Everything was great. We got along and saw each other as often as possible (we live in different cities). We rekindled our flame. We quickly fell in love again. It was like we were never apart.
Then he cheated with an ex. I wanted to work it out because that’s what love does. I wanted to put some work behind my feelings. Finally after a couple of exchanges via text/emails, this was his final response to fixing our relationship:
This is not easy for me. I feel terrible for dragging you down this path. To be honest, I had not chartered a course for coming to you without the outside influences. When we re-connected Sharon was out of the picture but I allowed her to creep back in. I’m not sure if you saw the emails from Tasha in my mailbox when you went through my email. I had already told Tasha that it was over between us and we had to remain friends. Nothing happened but I can understand why the pictures don’t make sense.
I think that you are looking at the women that I have been involved with and you are thinking that my actions have something to do with them. It’s not them, it’s me. This is not the first time that I have been caught cheating. It seems that I have a slight aversion to fidelity. I don’t chase, but I have a hard time saying no when I am pursued. I am not programmed to need to be in a relationship or to need to be loved, so I focus more on what I am giving up than what it is I am getting when deciding on whether or not to take the plunge.
I know that means that I will be old and undesirable by the time I figure out how to be with just one woman. But, I can’t be the one that causes you to cry like you were the other day again. I can honestly tell you that with these two chicks out of the picture, I don’t know how I would handle the next temptation. I know this sounds like some pimp sh*t but I feel like I need to protect you from me. I am not who you think I am. I am not as good as you think I am. You have too much faith in me.
The fact that you are trying to save our relationship when I am the one that messed up is amazing to me. You are too good for me. I am so embarrassed at what you read in those emails that I am afraid that I cannot face you anytime soon. Just hearing your voice made me feel ill because you sounded so sweet, vulnerable and broken (and a little enraged).
I don’t need to be in a relationship with anyone right now. I am not ready to receive your type of love and I am definitely not ready to give the type of love that you need. I HONESTLY thought that reuniting with you would fix all of my relationship issues but it didn’t. I felt smothered. The first time when you stayed for 5 days I thought that it was too early for that long of a stay but I went with the flow but I should have spoken up then. As you stated, you have done nothing wrong. I had a blatant disregard for you and your feelings and I feel awful because your family and son were brought into it too. I wasn’t mature enough to slow things down and now we are here.
Since you demand an immediate answer, I have to advise you to move on without me because I have no idea when I will be any good for anybody. I am so sorry for everything.
My heart is broken into a million little pieces. I am so unsure of myself! How could I have misjudged this person? Everything he showed me was on the up and up . . . or so I thought. I never felt like he was fooling himself to be with me or that I was forcing myself on him. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest and now he’s just yet another guy who thinks “I’m too good for him.” Help please.
THE RELATIONSHIPBEAST: “You don’t need no help. You need to thank that man for being honest with you today. He could have waited and sent you this letter tomorrow or next month or next year. Shoot, you only wasted three months. You are lucky! You know how many women are waiting on a letter like this? You know how many women want to know the truth? He gave you the truth!”
Here is my simple advice to those of you who have yet to move on: I have always been more concerned about not wasting my tomorrow than I am concerned about having wasted my yesterday. You can have my yesterday. You cannot have my tomorrow.
OK so now you have your Closure. Closure is the final chapter. It is over. Let it go. Walk away. Don’t drunk dial him. Skip the angry text messages. Unfriend him. Block him. You screaming one of the following lines will not cause a change of heart:
5. You are making a big mistake!
4. You will regret this!
3. You will be back!
2. I will be here when you come back!
1. I am the best thing that ever happened to you!
A hilarious kind of ouch and yet---so true. And the truth will free you (John 8:31-32).
Time may change a man's mind but you will not if he's not ready. Or interested.
And you might humiliate yourself in the process of trying to convince yourself otherwise.
I've been there, Chile...
Take heed. TAKE HEED.