Being that I am a marriage counselor (actually I'm more like a marriage life coach)...
I tend to be curious about/interested in just about any kind of programming the deals with relationships (although I doubt I'm going to be checking out that Sex Box show coming to WEtv next month. Have mercy, Father). And so, I recently caught an episode of Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars.
On this particular installment, there was a mock divorce for each couple. Out of the six couples in the house, there is one set who are not married. I believe they live together, though and either way, the woman *really wants* to get married.
It was the late and great Maya Angelou who once said "When people tell you who they are, believe them." I'll be the first one to say that when it comes to a lot of my past relationships (or situations because honestly, not all of them were true "relationships"), I didn't take her advice. Guys would tell me *exactly* how they felt and reveal to me *exactly* who they were but I *refused* to take things for what they were. I was calling it "hope springs eternal". It was more like "not living in reality". Sometimes there is a fine line between the two.
I thought about this when I heard the guy say to the judge "I'm never going to love her the way that she loves me." *Ouch*. Yet surprisingly, what penetrated me even more was when the judge said to the woman "Never let a man tell you that he doesn't want you more than once."
Rinse and repeat: NEVER LET A MAN TELL YOU THAT HE DOESN'T WANT YOU. MORE THAN ONCE.
That needs to be on a T-shirt, a bumper stick. Shoot, *something*.
As I've been thinking about that since I heard it, I want to add something to it if I may:
NEVER LET WHAT A MAN WANTS OR DOESN'T WANT CAUSE YOU TO LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT YOU WANT. OR DON'T WANT.
There's a woman I know who, since I've known her, she has wanted to be married. Several years ago now, she entered into a relationship with a guy who told her that marriage is not a priority to him. *She is still with him and still not married*.
Could some people say that he's a jerk?
That he's leading her on?
That's he's playing with her heart?
That's he's wasting her time?
That he's potentially missing out on a good thing?
Sure. They *could* say that. It won't be the full reality of the situation, though. There's nothing wrong with him. He told her where things stood. She's choosing to stay anyway. That's not his fault. That's her settling. Settling for less than what she wants. So much in fact that she's now saying "If we don't get married, that's fine. So long as I can be with him."
Such a slippery slope *that* mentality is...
To put yourself in the position to making you want not matter...
Never let a man tell you that he doesn't want you more than once...
*Want is a big word*. It means "to feel a need or a desire for; wish for". It also means "to wish, need, crave, demand, or desire". Unfortunately, some of us are so low when it comes to our level of self-worth that we don't realize/accept/embrace that a healthy relationship consists of a man and a woman who not only want (WANT) each other; they also want (WANT) the same things in a relationship.
That said, why would you spend time that you'll never get back in a situation with a guy who doesn't...
WANT to love you.
WANT to take things to the next level with you.
WANT to be married to you.
And here's the thing: If he *wants* what you *want*, he's going to be the very definitions of *want*.
His words *and* actions are going to show that he...
Wishes to be with you.
Needs to be with you.
Craves to be with you.
Demands (to call for or require as just, proper, or necessary) to be with you.
Desires to be with you.
I'm a living testament of the fact that time can change a person and even a situation (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Therefore, if the judge meant that "If a guy says that he doesn't want you or doesn't want to be in a relationship with you one time, totally shut the door on a possible future with him", that might be a bit on the side of extreme. However, I will rock with her, *totally*, if she meant "If a guy says he doesn't want you or want what you want, he shouldn't have to repeat himself. Move forward." Yes. *Move forward*. Stagnant water stinks. Stagnant relationships do too.
If he decides later up the road that he wants what you want, he'll make it abundantly clear.
Otherwise, you'll still be moving towards your future and getting closer to someone (else) who---wants what you want. *And wants it from and with you*.
Ironically, it has taken most of my adult life to fully grasp what the judge was saying via the mouths of past men. But she ain't gotta tell me twice now. One of my all-time favorite relationship quotes is by Maureen Dowd: "If you settle for less than what you want, you'll end up with less than what you settled for."
If you cut corners on what you want.
You'll end up with less than what you wanted.
And now nobody has what they want.
What kind of sense does that make?!? #none
Bottom line to the PSA:
Get what you want. Get *all* of what you want. You deserve it.
And real talk, so does he. Don't make him have to tell you that---*more than once*.