Tuesday, April 14, 2015

An Ounce of Prevention: 'Tips for Dating (and Loving) Responsibly'



I just read an article entitled "Love Through 36 Questions" that I found to have some really good points and is a good complement and confirmation as it relates to last week's article about us needing to want goals to go along with our feelings. First, I am going to share the dating tips that the author penned. Then I will add the 36 questions from another site.

Here are the tips:

How can you use these questions to help you build a connection with someone you're dating?

1. Give each of your dates a purpose. Think of a few new things you'd like to learn about each other and bring them up as topics of conversation or questions to ask your dating partner.

2. Don't focus on just the facts. Ask questions like the ones on Dr. Aron's list to share your ideas, attitudes, values, and sensitivities with each other. Dr. Aron divided his questions into three groups. Stick with the first group of questions during your first few dates, and gradually move on to each of the next groupings as you feel more comfortable with each other.

3. Have fun. There's no reason why you can't combine fun activities with serious conversation on the same date. Some of the things you do together should be interactive – a board game, athletic activity, or even shopping together lets you experience different sides of each other's personalities.

4. Focus on being "present" on your dates. Use all of your senses to concentrate on the experience, the conversation, what you're doing together. That helps make the date more enjoyable and allows a connection to develop naturally. When you're present, it's easier to resist the counterproductive urge to conduct an ongoing "analysis" of what's going on.

5. Don't schedule your dates too close together. You need time to "process" your experiences and feelings, and that often takes place as you go through the routines of your life. Twice a week is an optimal time-frame for seeing each other while you're building a relationship.

6. Find a married mentor to talk to if you want advice or a perspective that can help you acquire clarity about a courtship. Your unmarried friends may be great sounding boards and advice-givers for other aspects of your life, but aren't the best resources when it comes to dating.

These steps can help propel your budding relationship forward.


And now the questions that help to build emotional intimacy:

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Are you hesitant to bring these topics up? If so, look at it this way:

Dating is supposed to be a step towards a goal. *The goal should be courtship*.

Any guy who agrees will want to talk about more than music, movies and the weather anyway.

And if he doesn't agree...really, what's the point? What's the purpose? Where's the goal?



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