Wednesday, April 8, 2015

"On Fire": There Need to Be FEELINGS AND GOALS


Recently, I was watching a rerun of a show and one of the characters said something that was really...insightful (to me, anyway). He was at a party, standing in a room full of women along with one of his male friends, and they were talking about the kinds of girls that guys choose to commit to vs. the ones that they---don't.

One of the things that the guy said was this: "There are two kinds of women: ones you have feelings for and ones you simply set goals for. It's rare when you meet someone where you want to combine the two."

To put this all in context...

"The feelings" are girls that guys care about.
"The goals" are the ones you simply want to get certain things from (in this case, he was speaking of sex).

The reason why it caught my attention is because...

I know a lot of women who assume that just because they have feelings for a guy and he expresses that he has some as well, they automatically assume that one, the feelings are mutually the same and/or there is *a long-term goal* in mind.

On the other hand, there are also women who assume that just because a guy pursues them on some level that the goal is automatically, um, chivalrous. That the goal is going to lead to somewhere...noble.

Putting all of this together, what that guy caused me to think about is this:

Can you imagine how much drama could be spared if we as women made sure that:

1) We understood what our own goal for entering into a relationship is?
2) We stood firm in that goal?
3) We reserved our feelings until we were certain that the guy had the same goal?

I don't know about you, but I've been in more-than-I-would-like "situations" with guys where I allowed myself to get *far too emotionally involved* without first going to God to see what *he wants* the goal of the relationship to be (Proverbs 3:5-6) and then secondly without asking the guy what his goals are. What his goals are for dating, in general. What his goals are for us spending time together. What his goals are in getting closer to me.

I've also allowed myself to waste time when the guy acted like he was getting "pressured" simply because he couldn't (or rather wouldn't) share what his "result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end" for me was when I asked.

Yet here's the thing...

After hearing that guy on the television program say that guys are quite capable of being *goal-oriented* when it comes to women and then confirming this with some of my "in the real world friends", I realized something. I realized that when *our feelings* find themselves in scenarios where we feel like we are "casting our pearls before swine" (Matthew 7:6), nine times out of 10 it's because we were too fearful to basically ask the same thing that a good father asks a young man before he's allowed to take his daughter out on a date: "What are your intentions?" We allow our fear and/or insecurities to tell us that inquiring such a thing is "a bit much" when the reality is it's one of the most responsible approaches to a relationship.

Wanting to know what someone's goals and intentions are simply means "What are you wanting to come from this? A nice dinner? A good friendship? Or potentially something more?" Amos 3:3 asks how can two walk together unless they are in agreement and you know what? There is no caveat that says "Ponder that *unless* you are dating." Meaning, *even in a dating relationship, there needs to be a certain level of agreement*. It's one of the best ways for feelings to remain in their proper place...for both parties to feel safe and secure as things...evolve.

I John 4:18 tells us that perfect love casts out all fear.

Love yourself enough to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23)...

To not allow your feelings to get deep when there are no established goals...

And to not set serious goals if the guy does not express any real feelings.

In a healthy relationship, one is not supposed to go without the other. Ever or period.

Definitely words to live and set your dating standards by.



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