Wednesday, May 6, 2015

"On Fire": Single People Can (and Should) Have DEAL BREAKERS

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OK...

So if you read the Post-It notes, I'm sure you caught the sexual connotations. I thought it as fitting for this blog simply because you have *no idea* how many women, Christian woman, who have told me that they don't want to marry a *virgin* because he will "probably" be *bad in bed*.

Hmph. Amazing how carnal, selfish and totally misled that way of thinking is. You don't want to marry someone who honored God enough to remain sexually pure (I Corinthians 6:16-20-Message)?!? Look, I personally know some women who were blessed to have married a male virgin and they didn't have to deal with sexual comparisons, possible health issues and so much of the other drama/baggage that can sometimes come with *not* marrying a virgin.

If a pure man is currently a deal breaker for you, that's something to take to prayer...
That's something to get your mind renewed (Romans 12:2) about, for sure.

That said, let me get to the main point and purpose of this week's installment...

Not too long ago, someone asked me what I thought was one of the leading causes of divorce. Yeah, a lot of studies say that it's due to things like poor communication, financial problems, sexual dissatisfaction, etc. I didn't say any of these things. Here was my answer:

"People acted like they were married while they were dating. They were far too loyal to the relationship than to themselves and so, there were no deal breakers. And there should have been."

I've said it may times over the years:

"What married women go through with a man is called 'commitment'. What single women send themselves through with a man is oftentimes called 'settling'."

Sadly, a lot of us are *so desirous* to be in a relationship with someone that the moment we start dating them, we begin slipping into "mental wifedom"---we start talking like the guy we're seeing is our husband and we start acting like it too. Shoot, some of us are even silly enough to give them the "husband" pet name (your husband is the man you actually marry; everyone else is not). And as a result, we offer an unconditional eros kind of love that they did not earn. We start confusing "loving them" with *lacking judgment*. We ignore so many red flags. We rationalize our way out of things that we truly want. We focus way too much on *having a man* than being with the right one.

And so...

Oftentimes we end up marrying the wrong person...
Because we didn't love ourselves enough to pay attention to our deal breakers.

Deal Breaker: any issue or factor that is significant enough to terminate a negotiation

Yes, as you're going through the process of getting to know someone, both of you should see it as a negotiation; not like you've already "sealed the deal".

OK, that's not to say that you need to be...arrogantly ridiculous when it comes to your deal breakers. For instance, I read one article of a guy's deal breakers and it ranged from "You have photos covering your mouth" (yes literally) to "You want a home birth" (this dude). And why would I not be shocked if I were less than impressed if I actually saw/met him?

I mean that you should ponder a list that is far more realistic, preferably before you start dating anyone. Like this one from another article (click on the link for more details):

Deceit
Addictions
Abuse
Rage
Codependency
Avoidance
Control
Lacking boundaries
Self-absorption
Passive

Yeah, I liked passive because it's something that I've seen a lot of women overlook:

Passive: Someone who is passive allows life to happen rather than directing the course of their life.  Passivity is typically rooted in insecurity, but manifests in a lack of goals, motivation, desires, and opinions.  It’s someone who repeatedly “doesn’t know” or “doesn’t care” and allows you to constantly take the lead.  It’s a person who is lacking initiative and drive in parts or most areas of their life.  I don’t know about you, but I think one of the worst kinds of relationships is one in which you feel like you are in it alone.

I also *really appreciated* that the author added this:

For me, when it came to falling in love and choosing a life partner- one thing was for certain, I wanted to marry a man who held the same values and beliefs as I did.  But the unfortunate thing is that the title “Christian” doesn’t always translate to healthy.

The signs of God truly at work in someone’s life manifest themselves in qualities of health and wholeness (Galatians 5:22), a list completely antithesis to the list above.  Don’t ever settle for someone who simply speaks good things–look for someone who lives those things out.


THE TITLE "CHRISTIAN" DOESN'T ALWAYS TRANSLATE TO *HEALTHY*.

That's a bumper sticker, right there! Men, and women, need to *walk the talk* and Colossians 3:12-17 tells us what godly character looks and lives like.

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For me, one of the things that I realize is a deal breaker is a man who is reactive more than proactive (is the "clean up guy" rather than the guy who tries not to make a mess out of things in the first place). Another is a guy who communicates well. I don't just mean can put two sentences together (you can't really hold my attention without intelligence and wit). I mean returns calls and texts in a timely manner (you'd be amazed how many guys tell me that they answer phone messages and texts mentally and then move on to something else; I *get* it, but I don't *like* it), doesn't avoid challenging topics/conversations and is clear about what he wants---in a relationship and from me. Oh, and something that I've had to learn the hard way is when you're a Words of Affirmation chick, you'll sometimes let a man get away with *stating his intentions* without *actually following through*. I John 3:18 says that we are to love, not in word but in deed. A man who doesn't get that? Yeah, that's also a deal breaker for me.

And you know what?

Deal breakers can spare you a lot of time and heartbreak because when you know what is not going to work for you, when you start seeing clear signs of those things, you know that it's your cue to 1) address it and 2) pray about if it's time to put that particular person into the "friend" or perhaps even "move on" category.

No hard feelings.
Just no love connection.

And that's OK. *You're not married*. It's the right and privilege as a single person for you to be honest about what you want, go to God about if he's in agreement and then look for the kind of person who suits you. Not just some man who likes you.

Whew! That was a Holy Spirit moment right there!

DESIRE TO BE WITH A MAN WHO ACTUALLY *SUITS* YOU...
NOT WHO SIMPLY *LIKES* YOU.

It's biblical:

"Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him."---Genesis 2:18(AMP)

Well, that's all I got for y'all this week. ;-)

You deserve the very best...
On the road to getting there...

It's OK.
You can *and should* have a few deal breakers a long the way.
Your future marriage will thank you for them. *Trust me*.


Adorn,

SRW


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