Tuesday, September 15, 2015

An Ounce of Prevention: 'I Changed My Mind: Why I Decided Not to Get Married'


While I was taking a bit of a writing break today...

One of the "On Fire" sistahs (thanks Alicia) sent me an article that I think needs to be shared here. Although I'm pretty sure that all of us are looking for real and lasting love, it takes a lot of courage *and self-love* to be in a relationship with someone, get engaged *and end it* once you realize that the person is truly not God's best for you (and/or you accept the fact that you are not God's best for them).

Before I share a couple of excerpts from "I Changed My Mind: Why I Decided Not to Get Married", another article entitled "5 Signs It’s Time To End Your Engagement" also offers some helpful bullet points on how to know if you really need to *strongly consider* calling things off:

The only thing keeping you from ending the engagement is money.
You would have ended the relationship already if no one knew you were engaged.
You have postponed the wedding at least once.
Your body is falling apart.
You are reading this article.  

I've got relatives, who are divorced, who said that they knew the day before their wedding that they needed to call the wedding off. In fact, *most of the divorced people I've unofficially polled* have said that they knew they didn't need to get married...before they got married. And trust, it's a lot easier to end an engagement than to end a marriage (Malachi 2:16).

That said, here are some excerpts from the article:

My situation was more down than up. So why did I say yes? Was I stupid?  No, I was hopeful. I hoped that maybe being engaged would help us and magically make everything alright. Well it didn’t. It made things worse.

I was engaged to the okay boyfriend, now my fiancé. And what did that mean? Just more of the same problems with a different title. I could not, I repeat, could not turn this man into the okay husband.

I made a list. It wasn’t your usual list of pros and cons. It was a list of things I wanted in my life, things that I liked, and things that really grind my gears. Then I asked myself a few questions: Does he add to any of these aspects of my life? Does he know any of these things about me? Do any of these things matter to him? The results were staggering. I realized one thing with this simple list and these simple questions. I was settling. I realized that these things only mattered to me. That he wasn’t really in tune to me and what I liked at all. I was about to make a huge mistake. I was about to marry someone who I was good for (because for me, all of these things mattered when it came to him), but who was not good for me. I realized that I did not exist in my relationship at all. I gave so much of myself that I barely knew who I was until I made that list. In fact, I now understood why he wanted to get married. Not because he loved me so much, but because I gave, and did so much to uplift him and I didn’t require much in return. Who wouldn’t want to keep getting the best while only giving the bare minimum?

Whew! A couple of years ago, I had a conversation with a young engaged woman. As she was sharing with me all of the drama and baggage that came with her fiance' (and it was A LOT), I was like "OF COURSE, he wants to marry you! He knows you're willing to take on all of his stuff. But really, what can he offer you?"

Yeah, I got the stumble-crickets (Well...see...um...I mean) in response. *sigh*

I've shared several times before what a wife once said to me "The loneliest night single beats a bad marriage any day." And that'll preach! None of us should want to be married *so badly* that we settle. This goes for engaged couples too.

Just some soul food for thought...



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