Wednesday, October 21, 2015

"On Fire": Have You COMPLETED Your Past Relationships?

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"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."---Psalm 147:3(NKJV) 

OK...

I'm a signs and wonders girl (Daniel 4:2-3) and I've seen too much copy over the past few days on this topic to not "shout it out". If some of y'all read my piece on getting my heart pieces back this past June, then you already know that I'm a huge fan and supporter of *fully resolving the past* before ever trying to get into a relationship with someone else.

I'm also a firm believer that some folks aren't in new relationships because they are still, emotionally, in their old one. Like Lot's wife (Genesis 19:26), they are "paralyzed" because there is something within their past that...needs to be addressed.

Yep. Personally, I discern that far too many marriages are jacked up, right at this very moment, because more couples didn't...heal from their ex(es), forgive their ex(es)...make peace with their ex(es). That resulted in them either picking a partner out of their brokenness or bitterness (which is like trying to make a wise decision when you're drunk), not trusting their partner due to past unforgivingness or always causing drama because they're comparing their partner to someone else.

And real talk, if past relationships consisted of sexual compromise and disobedience (I Corinthians 6:16-20-Message), even more praying, purging and effort needs to be put into the process so that *real healing* can take place. No matter how much the world lies (and it's *a lot), there's no such thing as "casual sex" in the sense of there not being serious consequences and implications, especially spiritually, to having sex with someone God did not give you permission to (Matthew 19:6). This is a part of the reason why the Word says: "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body." (I Corinthians 6:18-NKJV)

I honestly think that's a big part of what my first book was all about; why God made sure that it happened. It was so that I could heal. Most of you probably know that I've had four abortions and before Inside of Me came out, I contacted the fathers to share with them what I had written. Their real names aren't in the book but it doesn't matter. I still wanted them to get a heads up and make sure that, as much as possible, they were at peace---that we had made peace. It was needed and necessary for all of us.

And then this year, I got a BIG CHUNK OF MY HEART back from my first. *sigh* Virgins reading this, stay not only "not penetrated"...STAY PURE. The loyalty that a lot of us had for our first "love" is exactly what God wanted our *only husband* to have!

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That said...

I recently checked out an article entitled "6 Steps to Completing Relationships". I really like that the author used the word "completing":

Complete: having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full; finished; ended; concluded; thorough; entire; total; undivided, uncompromised, or unmodified

So, ask yourself a few questions...
When you look back on your past relationships...

1) Do you feel whole and healed?
2) Do you believe that things are finished and concluded?
3) Is there anything that's been compromised at the expense of your peace of mind? Meaning, have you said/addressed everything that *you feel* needs to be said for the purpose of fulling moving forward?

One way to "gut check" that is to read the article. Here are the six things that he said needs to happen:

Communicating Resentments
Apologizing
Forgiving
Expressing Gratitude
Appreciating What You Love and Will Miss
Saying Goodbye

My process of doing this came in the form of a letter that was published in my first book. I'll share it at the bottom of this message. For now, reflect back on your own past relationships. Did you do all of these things? If not, take it from the author and myself that something has not been completed...*and it needs to be*. Otherwise, you'll find yourself doing what another author speaks of in "Overlappers: When they start a new relationship just before your breakup":

Overlappers, don’t gain any insights from their relationships. Instead they just ‘transfer’ and assume that new surroundings and a clean slate means problem solved, as if to suggest that they had no contribution and have nothing to learn.

EXACTLY...

No one has the whole heart of a non-forgiver or an overlapper. They are not healed or healthy enough for that to be the case. Perhaps that's a big part of the reason why the Word says "But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:4-NKJV) As I was sharing in a devotional this week, patience isn't about simply waiting. Check it:

Patience: the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like; an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

Are you waiting on a husband?
Or is God waiting on you to become patience with the process of becoming complete enough to be a wife?
And does that include resolving the past...so that you can really and truly move into your future?

COMPLETING. THE. PAST.

Here's the letter/poem that I was talking about earlier:

A Letter to an Ex-boyfriend
By Shellie R. Warren

 

"Though the companion of your choice were in all other respects worthy, yet he has not accepted the truth for this time, he is an unbeliever and you are forbidden of Heaven to unite yourself with him. To connect with an unbeliever is to place yourself on Satan's ground. You grieve the Spirit of God and forfeit his protection".
 

There's not much to say after that, is there? For months now I've been grieving the loss of you and begging a pleading with God to give me you. One day God led me to a passage out of a book entitled, Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery and Divorce.
 

How can you start off on the wrong foot and not expect to be on a crooked path's journey? You can't, not without God's help and I obviously was not inquiring of Him as of what to do. If I had, I wouldn't have experienced as much pain as I did.
 

I really loved you.
 

Despite the other women, the lies, the selfishness, the moodiness, the broken promises...I still loved you.
 

When God finally revealed to me what love truly was about, I became confused.  You mean love's not supposed to hurt, I'm not designed to feel lack in a relationship and love is actually a healthy thing?
 

But I loved you and it felt anything but good.  And if I'm really honest with myself the only time I felt loved, wanted, desired, appreciated was when you were in my bed.  I thought we were making love, but what we were making was a mess. We used the illusion of sex to avoid pain. The pain of the disappointment from life's experiences, the pain from the abandonment of those closest to us and the pain of the uncertainty of our future. For the brief moments of pleasure in a sexual relationship, we could escape reality.
 

What we did not realize in the law of nature, is that sex is designed to bond you to another, despite the circumstances. The more we hurt, the more sex we would have, and the bigger mess of our lives we would make. Now I was bonded to something God never gave me, I simply took.

A year later I still get the shakes as if I'm a junkie getting off of coke. I know it's no good for me, know it will ultimately kill me and yet sometimes I feel like I will do anything and risk anything for that one last hit.
 

"God, I know he doesn't love me as I deserve. I know he has other women. I know he's not faithful to You, so how could I expect him to be faithful to me? I know all of this, God but please influence him---no make him love me."

God would remain silent and the eerie void was suffocating, so while an alcoholic runs to the bottle, I would run back to you. Just one last conversation, one last kiss, one last night in your arms and everything would be alright.
 

But it never was and it never could be, because I was asking God for love and you're not it.  God promised to give me the desires of my heart, not the aid to my addiction. I was so fixated on you, I had forgotten what I asked God for way before there was a you.

Way back when my parent's divorced, when I was introduced to Barbie and Ken dolls. Way back when a guy I had a crush on for six years told me that I was ugly.

Way back then, I asked God for love and He has shaken heaven, Earth, my heart and this relationship to deliver just that...

True love, and this ain't it.


No doubt about it. You can learn a lot about yourself, you ex and the God of you both ...
By COMPLETING your relationship. *Fully*.

Do it prayerfully...
Do it responsibly...
Do it with the right motives (Proverbs 21:2&8-Message).

BUT BY ALL MEANS, DO IT.
Your future, including the future husband that God may have for you, depends on it.


Adorn,

SRW

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